


Shattered

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-09 18:14:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12893892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: A late night shopping trip changes Barbara's life in so many ways... aka 'MorganaNK is cruel to Barbara again'!WARNING: This fic is not going to be to everyone's taste, and may in some cases be painful to read, hence the 'explicit' archive warning and this note. You choose to read on at your discretion - I accept no responsibility for any offence or upset caused.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC... no copyright infringement intended
> 
> **WARNING: This fic is not going to be to everyone's taste, and may in some cases be painful to read, hence the 'explicit' archive warning and this note. You choose to read on at your discretion - I accept no responsibility for any offence or upset caused.**

One hand covered my mouth, the other tangled in my hair. I struggled, tugging at the fingers that bit into my skin, my scream of pain muffled. My limbs flailed as I was pulled off balance with a vicious yank that pulled my hair out at the root, and tears flooding my eyes.

I stumbled, my heels scuffing the pavement as I was dragged into the darkened corner of the car park. My legs were kicked from underneath me, and I hit the ground hard. My assailant climbed on top of me, freeing the hand that had been in my hair in order to undo my jeans, shoving them and my knickers down my legs before forcing himself hard inside me.

I cried silently, straining to keep my eyes away from the face of the man on top of me. I didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to remember what he looked like. I also tried to empty my mind, I didn’t want any happy memories tarnished by something so dark, cruel and oppressive, but was unsuccessful. All I could think about was how much I wanted Tommy to come and save me.

He didn’t speak as he took what he wanted from me, in fact he hadn’t spoken a word since he had grabbed me. I wondered why he had chosen me, what it was about me that had screamed out to him. I wasn’t attractive, and I wasn’t likeable. I guessed it was more that I had been convenient, just someone who was in the right place for him and the wrong place for me. I was a warm body that he got to use and abuse while he achieved his desired gratification.

The attack seemed to go on for hours, and for all that time he paid me no heed; just taking what he wanted. In the beginning I had struggled against what was happening, against his abuse of me, I had been to an Aikido retreat in order to learn how to protect myself for god’s sake, but now I resigned myself to what was happening, deciding that living through the experience was more important than anything else.

Finally, he was done. He pushed himself off of me, standing and tidying himself before walking away without as much as a backwards glance. I lay there, too stunned and traumatised to move for a brief while, before tentatively righting myself, doing up my clothes, retrieving my bag from where he had discarded it and making my way back to my car…

...I was waiting on the doorstep when Tommy arrived the next morning. Well, my body was, I still wasn’t sure where my mind was. 

“Good morning Barbara.”

I winced as I slid into the passenger seat of the Bristol, dropping my bag onto the floor between my feet. I winced again as I did up the seatbelt, hoping that he hadn’t noticed either occasion; I didn’t want him to start asking questions that to my mind had no answers.

“Morning.” My voice sounded flat and emotionless to my ears, and I knew that he would pick up on it, so I forced myself to focus and prepared my lie.

He passed me a takeaway coffee, and I cradled it between my hands, needing the warmth more than the caffeine.

“You’re not very talkative this morning, is everything okay?”

“Headache. I hardly slept.” I was surprised how easily the words tripped off my tongue.

He glanced at me, concern written across his features, and I hated myself for lying. “Do you want to take a sick day? It’s fine if you do, I can go to Oxford on my own.”

I shook my head, and then immediately regretted the action, grimacing as I replied, “I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

My tone left no room for argument. I didn’t want to be so abrupt with him, but I really wasn’t in the mood for polite conversation, or any conversation come to that. I just wanted to get through the day without falling apart, and that was going to take everything that I had.

“Okay then. It will take a good couple of hours to drive to Oxford, why don’t you try and catch up on some of that elusive sleep? I’ll wake you when we get there.”

I didn’t feel that I deserved his concern, I was being so ungrateful and bitter when he had done nothing wrong, and so I smiled at him, even though I was sure he would notice it wasn’t genuine. “Thanks, and I’m sorry for being so grumpy.”

His eyes sparkled with amusement, “I hadn’t noticed that you were.”

Smiling again, relieved that I had salvaged things, I turned my attention to the window and my coffee, wishing that I could erase the last twenty-four hours from my tormented mind…

…There was something wrong with Barbara. In all the years we had worked together, that we had been friends, I had learnt to read her moods and she definitely wasn’t her usual self. I also wasn’t sure that she was telling me the truth about the headache and her lack of sleep but, in the same way as I had learnt to read her moods over the years I had also learnt not to try and force the issue because all it would do was make her shut down. 

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. Not only was she not acting like herself, she didn’t look like herself either. She was washed out, pale, and she wasn’t moving freely either. I had seen her wince as she had climbed into the car, and the grimace of pain when she had shaken her head. My mind was conjuring up all sorts of reasons for how she was behaving, and none of them were a headache or lack of sleep related. I desperately wanted to be mistaken, but I didn’t think I was. All I could do was carry on as normal and wait for her to either sort things out on her own or talk to me about whatever it was. I would be there for her, whenever and whatever.

She had finished her coffee and had drifted off to sleep, but it was by no means peaceful. I frowned as she murmured something before falling quiet again. I hated to see her suffering, and I hoped it wouldn’t be too long before she opened up to me, or at least found some kind of peace from whatever it was that tormented her…

…Tommy hadn’t made any comment, so I assumed that I hadn’t been talking in my sleep. It was strange, but being in his car, with him so close and the familiar scent of leather and aftershave surrounding me I felt safe enough to relax. It reminded me of being held by him outside the Queen’s Head, and I knew that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. It was a shame I hadn’t been with him the night before then I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place!

Throughout the day I had stuck as close to him as possible without drawing attention or raising any awkward questions. He grounded me, helped me keep my mind on the job and not what had happened to me, although the memories were never far away. Keeping busy had been good for what remained of my sanity.

He had insisted that we had dinner together. I hadn’t got much of an appetite, but I wanted the company and had willingly joined him. But now I was alone, and the events of the night before had come flooding back. The last time I had felt like this had been after I had been shot. It was laughable really; I knew that I had the beginnings of post-traumatic stress disorder, it was hardly surprising after what had happened, and I knew that things were going to get worse, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone what had happened to me. As long as I didn’t say the words out loud then it wasn’t real. It was just something in my head, and I would do my damnedest to keep it there.

I could imagine Tommy’s reaction if I told him. After a rain of fury there would be the sympathetic looks, followed by the attempts to get me to talk to him and tell him how I was feeling. He would want to throw money at the problem, do anything in his power to make things better for me. He might even ‘go rogue’ and try to find my attacker himself. Or he would want me to report what had happened so that the person could face justice.

I didn’t want any of that.

Yes, I was a police officer, and yes, I knew the statistics, that he might have done it before and that he might go on and do it again. I. Didn’t. Care. I knew that sounded heartless, but right now I couldn’t even take care of myself. I was pretending that I was capable of ‘adulting’ as it was called. I was going through the motions, playing at being a responsible grown up person and a fully functioning human being, and that was what I would continue to do. What was the saying; fake it ‘til you make it? That was what my life was, and I had to learn to live with it; I didn’t have the time or the energy to worry about mythical people and possibilities. The here and now was proving complicated enough!

I had every light on in the room, as well as those in the tiny en-suite. I didn’t want the darkness, I knew what lurked there. I was never going to leave myself open to the shadows again…

…I was still worried about Barbara. She had put on a good show, but I could see right through her. I had made sure that I had kept her close so that I could keep a watchful eye on her. The more I saw of her actions the more her behaviour reminded me of the aftermath of when she had been shot by Grace Finnegan. She was showing all the same signs that she had displayed during the Samantha Walthew case, and I couldn’t let her go down that path again. I was seriously considering abandoning my earlier plan of wait and see, but I also knew that that idea would more than likely backfire on me.

The boss in me knew that I should refer her to occupational health. Barbara wasn’t fit for work however much she was trying to prove otherwise. She was a risk to herself and to those around her, to send her home until she sought help was the right thing to do.

I couldn’t do that.

The friend in me, the one who would do anything for her in a heartbeat, couldn’t take the job away from her. She had fought long and hard to get to where she was, the job was part of who she was. You only had to look at how she had reacted when Webberley had demoted her after the Emily Barlow incident to see that. If, and when, she stopped being a police officer, the decision had to come from her. To stop her from working would be cruel beyond measure.

Oh, who was I trying to kid?

I needed her with me. I couldn’t do the job without her. Hell, I couldn’t function on a normal daily basis without her. When she was away from me there was a huge emptiness inside of me, a massive black hole that only she could fill. If she wasn’t with me then I might as well resign and be done with the Met.

Running my fingers through my hair I glanced at my watch, thinking that I might knock on her door and ask her if she wanted to join me for a nightcap. The temptation was almost too great, but I didn’t give in to it. As hard as it was for me to take a step back, I had to. Sighing heavily, I started to get ready for bed…

…I couldn’t sleep, not that I wanted to. Every time I closed my eyes I was underneath him again. His breath, hot against my skin, his hands rough. My head still hurt, as did my back, and I was sure that I must be covered in bruises.

When I had finally driven home the previous night I had sat in the shower for over three hours and yet I still didn’t feel clean. I had thought about bathing in bleach, and would have done if I had had any in the flat, it had been on the shopping list that I had been on my way to fill when he had grabbed me. All thoughts of that had been forgotten.

I had thrown my clothes away, never wanting to see them again let alone wear them, not sure that I would have been able to get the blood out of them even if I had. Everything had gone, right down to my coat, my socks and my trainers. If I could have burned them then I would. 

Disposing of them hadn’t made me feel any better. 

Nothing I did made me feel any better. Yes, working had been good for me but that was only because I was with Tommy, and he was my sanity. The job now meant nothing, it was a means to an end. I needed a connection with Tommy, and my job was that connection. If I had called him after I had been attacked, he would have come, I knew that, but it wouldn’t have been what I needed. I needed him to treat me normally. I needed him to argue with me. I needed to be able to call him an idiot, and for him to say that I was a stubborn cow. Anything else would be wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

…The following morning I knocked on Barbara’s hotel room door and waited for her to answer. When the door opened I couldn’t keep the shock from my face.

“Morning Sir.”

“Good morni… God Barbara, what on earth has happened to your face?”

“Nothing. Are you joining me for breakfast or are we heading straight out?”

“Sod breakfast! Tell me what happened to your face. You’ve got bruises around your mouth.”

“Oh that. Smacked myself with the boot of the car. I’m lucky they only started to show today, I did it the night before last. Shit happens. Now, can we go for breakfast?”

She pushed past me and stalked off down the corridor. I trailed behind her, not believing what she had told me for one second. Those bruises didn’t look like they had come from a car boot catching her, they looked like finger prints. It worried me that she didn’t want to talk, but as I had thought, pushing her hadn’t worked, I would have to try the softly-softly approach.

I sat opposite her in the restaurant, trying really hard not to stare at her and failing miserably. The more I looked, the more I became convinced that someone had had their hand over her mouth. I could think of a hundred and one reasons why someone could have done that to her, and none of them were in any way pleasant.

“Are you going to sit there and stare at me or are you going to order something?”

“I’m thinking. If I can’t have your gourmet toast then I am not sure what to pick.”

A small smile ghosted across her face, “are you expecting me to go out into the kitchen and cremate it for you?”

“Are you offering?”

“I can think of at least twenty health and safety reasons why they won’t even entertain the idea.”

“And when have you ever followed the rules?”

“I’m starting today. Think of it as me turning over a new leaf and order something from the menu. I’m going for a full English.”

“Then I shall have the same…”

…We managed to close the case that same day. I respected Barbara’s wishes and didn’t comment or question her further about her bruises, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t worried about her and that I didn’t keep an eye on her.

“Do you fancy coming round to mine for a meal tonight?”

“It’s a kind offer, but I’ve got things to do.”

“Surely they could wait for a couple of hours?”

Breathing deeply, she closed her eyes. When she opened them again she nodded. “Yes, I guess they can. Thank you for the kind invitation, I would like to join you for a meal.”

“Good, I’m glad. Do you have any particular desires, or will you eat whatever I dish up?”

“You know me, waste disposal unit on legs. I will eat anything that you put in front of me.”

“You might regret telling me that.”

She looked at me, a heavy sadness written all over her face. “I regret a lot of things, believe me when I tell you that saying I’ll eat anything that you put in front of me isn’t one of them…”

…I wandered around Tommy’s lounge, absently looking at the photos, trinkets and paintings but not really seeing them, my mind on other things. Now night had fallen I was beginning to feel edgy and uncomfortable again. I couldn’t settle, nervous energy bubbling through my veins, making me want to run and hide. The walls were pressing down on me, crowding me, stifling my breath. It was how I had felt the night before; then I had been able to hide it because I was alone. Today was a different story.

I pressed my hand to my chest and closed my eyes, trying desperately to quell the rising panic.

“Dinner is re… what’s wrong Barbara?”

“Can’t… breathe.”

He crossed the room, took me by the shoulders and tried to guide me to the couch. I fought against him.

“Let me help you.”

“Outside… now.”

“What? You want to go outside?”

I nodded.

“Okay then.”

He put his arm round me and led me through the kitchen to the garden. I slumped against the back wall of the house and breathed deeply while he stood next to me.

“Sorry about that.”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothi…”

“No Barbara, don’t try and pull that crap with me. I’ve known that something was wrong since I collected you yesterday morning, but I respected your right not to tell me, I respected your privacy. That stops now. Whatever this is, whatever happened to you, either you tell me, or you tell someone else, but I am not going to ignore this any longer, that’s not what friends do. Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing wrong.”

“I said don’t. You’re pale, you’re jumpy, you’re in pain and, unless your Astra has suddenly grown arms I don’t believe for one second your tale about being caught by the boot. I want to help you Barbara, I want to be there for you, whatever it is that you need.”

“Why is it so important to you?”

He began to pace, repeatedly running his fingers through his hair. 

“It’s important to me because you are, because you have always been there for me, you’ve saved me, it’s only fair that I save you.”

“It’s only _fair_ that you save me? Fair? Bloody hell Sir, I’m not some charity case. Everything I did for you, everything I do, it’s because I care about you, really care about you. You’re my best friend, not some pet project!”

“I don’t think of you as a pet project!”

“Then why say it’s only fair that you save me like I’m some duty you have to undertake. I’m a grown woman. I’m not your responsibility.”

“So, I worded it wrong, but the sentiment, what I meant, it’s still the same. You are the most important person to me, and I do see you as my responsibility, just as you see me as yours. Don’t try and tell me otherwise, I was there remember. I might have been blind drunk for most of the time, but I know just how hard you fought for me when I fell apart after Helen’s death. Don’t let my badly worded comment blind you from my intent. There is something wrong Barbara and I want to know what it is?”

“You don’t, and I don’t either.”

He moved in front of me again, his hands going to my shoulders.

“I do.”

I shrugged him off, “well, we don’t always get what we want. I’m not going to stay for dinner after all, sorry to put you to so much trouble.”

“No.”

“What? You’re planning on holding me prisoner?”

“No, not prisoner, but I’m not letting you go either. We need to sort this Barbara, I’m not going to let some careless wording destroy over ten years of friendship.”

“It won’t, our friendship has never been destroyed and it never will.”

He sighed deeply, “I’m glad you feel that way. I don’t want our friendship to end either, it means everything to me.”

“It means the same to me too.”

“So, you’ll stay?”

“I’ll stay, but only if you promise not to push me.”

“I promise not to push you, but I’m not going to stop worrying about you, I’ll never agree to that.”

I shrugged, “I guess we have a deal then.”

I followed him back into the kitchen and sat down carefully at the breakfast bar. “Burger, salad and chips, I’m impressed.”

“What can I say, being partnered with you gave me an appreciation for fast food.”

“I bet these aren’t Tesco finest burgers.”

“Okay, so I got them from my butcher, but they’re still burgers.”

“I’ll give you that…”

…I handed Barbara her whiskey and then sat down in the armchair opposite her.

“I’m sorry I blundered in and upset you earlier, but I stand by what I said when I told you that I wasn’t going to stop worrying about you. Something has been off with you for the last forty-eight hours. When and if you are ready to talk, I’m here for you.”

“And I’m sorry for being grumpy again.”

“Forgiven. Do you want to stay the night? The spare room is ready.”

“I haven’t got any nightwear.”

“Barbara, we stayed in Oxford last night, I’m sure your pyjamas are clean enough for another night’s wear. If you don’t want to stay then just tell me, you don’t have to make up an excuse.”

“I wasn’t making an excuse, I forgot. I’ve had a lot on my mind this evening.”

“And now that you’ve remembered that you do have nightwear, shall I take you home or will you stay over?”

“I’ll stay…”

…I knocked on the bedroom door but didn’t get any response. Opening the door a crack I called out her name.

“Barbara? Have you got everything that you need?”

Her voice drifted from the en-suite bathroom, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying because of the water from the shower. I approached the door, it was ajar.

“Sorry Barbara I didn’t catch what you sai…”

My voice trailed off as I caught the reflection of her back, legs and arms in the bathroom mirror, the scratches and bruises vivid against the pale tone of her skin. I couldn’t stop staring.

“Had a good enough look?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intrude, I just didn’t hear what you said.”

“Well, now you’ve seen.”

“What happened to you.”

“I got mugged.”

“Did you report it?”

“No, I don’t have anything to say that would make it worth reporting. I don’t know who he was or what he looked like, and he didn’t get away with anything.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Yes, it is, it is exactly the point. This happened to me, not you, and I will deal with it in a way that works for me, not how you think I should handle things.”

“But…”

“There isn’t any but. To answer your original question, yes, I do have everything I need, thank you, so I shall wish you a good night Sir.”

She closed the en-suite door in my face, effectively ending the conversation. Stunned, I accepted that she didn’t want to speak to me and headed back to my room.

I pushed the door to and slumped down on the bed, a maelstrom of emotions swirling through my head. I had been shocked at the state of Barbara’s back, legs and arms. The bruising looked like the result of far more than a mugging, and I had to wonder if she was minimising what had happened to her, something that I could completely understand but didn’t necessarily agree with.

I had been right about not pushing her, but had done that anyway, and she had reacted exactly as I had known that she would. I hadn’t helped her, and now she had battened down the hatches I wouldn’t get a chance to. 

My train of thought was derailed by a tentative knock on the door.

“Come in.”

A pale and shaky Barbara entered the room.

“I want to apologise to you Sir. I was rude to you, and in your own house. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry.”

I patted the bed beside me, encouraging her to sit down next to me, and was glad when she did.

“You don’t have to apologise, I shouldn’t have walked in on you so I’m sorry.”

“It’s your house, you don’t need to ask permission.”

“I know that you and I have a history of talking to each other during our daily ablutions, but I shouldn’t have just walked in, I should have respected your privacy.”

She laughed, but it was a hollow, joyless sound. “Okay, so we’re both sorry even though we don’t have to be.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“Not really. I feel stupid that someone managed to creep up on me, but I am also relieved that he didn’t manage to steal anything from me.”

“You should have let him have what he wanted. Material possessions can be replaced, your life can’t.”

“Well he didn’t get either.”

“But you got badly hurt.”

“Not really, I mean, in the great scheme of things it could have been a whole lot worse.”

“That’s kind of what I was getting at when I said that you should have let him have what he wanted. I’m sorry if me continually repeating myself is driving you crazy, but things are replaceable, you’re not.”

She gently squeezed my hand and then stood to leave, “thanks for caring Sir.”

“I always will Barbara, you’re my best friend.”

“And you’re mine. Goodnight.”

“Sleep well Barbara.”

“You too.”

I watched her leave with a heavy heart. I still didn’t believe that she had told me the whole truth, and it hurt me that she felt that she had to carry such a heavy burden on her own, but at least we weren’t at odds with each other any longer. I would keep my eye on her, be there if she needed me, and support her as I had always done…


	3. Chapter 3

…As the weeks after my attack progressed I did my best to shove it to the back of my mind. I threw myself into work, had meals and drinks with Tommy, and got back to bickering like we always had. I was pleased that my life was finally back on track.

I should have known it wouldn’t last.

Tommy had just dropped me off home after a pie and a pint. I had been feeling a little off for a couple of hours, but had kept it to myself. I had barely closed the front door before I knew that I was going to be sick. Dropping my bag, I ran to the loo.

It was thirty minutes later when I finally felt safe enough to move off the bathroom floor.

After rinsing out my mouth I retrieved my bag and then wandered through to the bedroom and got ready for bed, hoping that I would feel better in the morning. Sliding between the sheets, I nestled down to sleep. 

I was just dropping off when my eyes flew open and panic gripped my heart. I snatched up my phone and opened the period tracker app that I used. I scanned through it furiously, my panic growing with every second.

“Fuck!”

I scrambled out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweatpants but not bothering to change out of my t-shirt nightdress. Shoving my feet into my trainers, I grabbed my coat and bag and flew out of the door.

Another thirty minutes had passed by the time I made it back from the late-night pharmacy. With shaking hands, I opened the pregnancy test box and removed the leaflet. Scanning through the instructions my heart sank as I saw that it was recommended that I test first thing in the morning. It was going to be a very long night.

By four am I couldn’t wait any longer. I perched on the lid of the toilet, the test in my hand, and stared at it, willing it to say negative. Time dragged, but eventually a second pink line appeared. I dropped the test, my hands shaking far too much to keep a hold of it and my heart started pounding harder.

On equally shaky legs I somehow made it over to the basin. I gripped the edge of it and stared into the mirrored door on my medicine cabinet. The face looking back at me was haunted, terrified even, and I could think of nothing that would calm her. I wanted to talk to Tommy, but what would I say? I had lied to him, told him that I had been mugged. What would he think of me now? Would he ever trust me? Would I disgust him?

One hand moved to my stomach and a sudden wave of calm washed over me. There was a life in there, an innocent life, one that held no blame or responsibility for how they had been conceived. I wanted children, I always had, but had resigned myself to never fulfilling that desire because the one person I would want to have them with only saw me as a friend. Now I had the chance and, despite the horrific circumstances surrounding their conception, I couldn’t throw it away.

I also couldn’t stay where I was now.

There would be too many questions that I didn’t want to give the answers to, that I didn’t have the answers to. Things that I wouldn’t want to explain, that I couldn’t explain, and things that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else because they didn’t make sense to me.

I would have to do this on my own.

I set the shower running, there was no point going back to bed. The sooner I got things going the better. Once I was showered and dressed, I made myself some tea and toast and then sat down with a pen and paper to start working out a plan of action.

I needed to move. I could keep the baby a secret for a while yet, but I needed to start looking for somewhere else without drawing attention to the fact I was doing it. Perhaps I could rent out my flat and that would pay the rent on another property; it was something to think about.

Next was my job. I didn’t want to risk losing the baby, ironic really when you thought about it. That would mean that I would have to tell Hillier, he would then take me off active duty and put me on light duty, which would mean Tommy would find out.

This wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

Perhaps I needed to just forget about the job. I could put my flat in the hands of an agent, pack all my belongings into storage, load up the car with the things I would need immediately and just drive. I would have to contact Tommy and do my best to explain things to him without actually explaining anything. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I also didn’t want him to start trying to fix things or talk me out of my decision.

This whole thing was getting more complicated by the second.

I screwed up the piece of paper and threw it on the table in frustration and disgust. This wasn’t getting me anywhere fast. Maybe I should scrap everything and just go away for a few days. If I took some time out, then maybe I could think clearly. Tommy would still be a problem, but I could probably bluff my way through it. Then again, if I took myself off I would have to come back and everything I was trying to avoid would still be waiting for me on my return. I was going round and round in circles, and the only thing I had achieved was to drive myself insane. If that had been my goal I would have been pleased, but as I was trying to clear my head and sort out the rest of my life I was incredibly disappointed.

I was just about to get another mug of tea when there was a knock at the door. A quick glance at the clock told me that it was eight a.m. I had no idea where the hours had gone. The decision on what to do with my life would have to wait until the end of the working day…

…The door opened and Barbara appeared, looking more dishevelled than usual.

“Morning Sir, sorry I’m running late. Do you want to come in for a coffee while I finish getting ready?”

“That would be lovely.”

She let me in and gestured towards the kitchen. “Help yourself, I won’t be long,” and then disappeared into the bedroom to finish getting ready.

I made my coffee and then wandered into the lounge, taking a seat on the couch. I moved some papers on the table to make room for my mug, when I caught sight of a screwed up piece of paper. I knew I shouldn’t, but curiosity got the better of me, so I unfolded it and began to read.

_Move home – sell flat or rent?_

_Tell Hillier? If I do, then Tommy finds out I lied. If I don’t then – risk to baby?_

_Tommy – can’t tell him, he’ll know I lied and will be disgusted by me_

_Abortion? I can’t. No matter what happened, it isn’t my child’s fault that their father is a rapist_

I couldn’t read any further. Suddenly everything made horrible sense. Her behaviour, the scratches, the bruises, the fingerprints on her face.

“I’m ready, let’s g…” The words died on her lips as she realised what I was reading.

“Why didn’t you talk to me Barbara?”

Unsteadily she sat down opposite me; her face white, her hands shaking.

“I couldn’t.”

“I know you weren’t mugged.”

I saw her swallow hard before replying. “No, I wasn’t.”

“I hate what happened to you, that you felt you couldn’t be honest about it, that you thought that somehow it would change the way I feel about you. It couldn’t, and it doesn’t.”

“You say that now, but be honest, most people…”

“Most people don’t matter. The only people who do are in this room. I want to support you through your pregnancy. I want to help you raise your child.”

She looked stunned by my words. “How can you?”

“Quite easily. You move in with me, we both resign from the Met, and then we work together to build a life and raise the baby.”

“You’re insane!”

“Possibly, but it doesn’t change one word of what I am saying. No one needs to know if you don’t want them to. Most people who know us think we have been a couple for years, so it won’t be a stretch for them to believe that the baby is mine.”

“You’d let people think that you’re the father of a rapist’s baby.”

“Barbara, only you and I know what happened to you. I love you. I will love any child as if it were mine. I saw your list remember, and in it you said that you couldn’t have an abortion because it isn’t your child’s fault that their father is a rapist. That’s how I feel, and anyway, he just provided half of the genetic material; you and I would be their mum and dad.”

“What if it’s a boy?”

“Then he will be our son.”

“You’d accept him as the ninth earl?”

“Totally.”

“And your family would accept him as the ninth earl?”

“Of course they would, because he would be our son. Let’s sit down together and talk everything through.”

“Are you sure that this is what you want?” 

“A hundred percent sure. We don’t have to rush. We can take everything at your pace. Whatever works for you Barbara is what we will do. I want this, and I really hope that you feel the same way.”

“I still think you’re insane.”

“As I said, probably. But if I can be insane with you then I will be more than happy…”

… I still couldn’t believe that Tommy wanted me and my child. What man in their right mind would want to raise another man’s child, especially when that child was the product of rape? If we were going to do this, if we were really going to build a life together, I had to be sure that Tommy knew exactly what he was signing up for.

“People will want to know how you could sleep with someone like me, how you could get someone like me pregnant.”

“Someone like you?” Tommy moved to kneel in front of me. “You mean someone kind, caring and beautiful? Believe me, if I had been braver I would have admitted to how I felt about you a long time ago. You’ve always been the one person who got me, who really understood me and yet still liked me and cared about me. It’s always been you and I Barbara, us against the rest of the world.”

“Then why Helen? Why Christine? Why Julia?”

“Because I did what was expected of me instead of what I really wanted, instead of what my heart desired, what my heart still desires. And I never slept with Christine, I chose you, remember.”

“And then you went back to Helen.” I looked down, ashamed at what I had said. “Sorry.”

Tommy lifted my chin and made me look at him, “you don’t need to be sorry. Yes, I went back to Helen, but you didn’t seem to feel about me the way I felt about you.”

“So, it was my fault?”

“No. It was my fault. I thought that you only saw me as a friend.”

“Jesus Christ, I told you that you were my reason to get up in the morning! What more did you need? Should I have stripped naked and waited for you on the bonnet of the Bristol?”

“That would have raised a few eyebrows in Belgravia.”

“I’m trying to be serious here. You said that you didn’t think I felt the same way as you did, I’m trying to prove to you that I couldn’t have made it any more obvious unless I had offered myself naked on the Bristol.”

“Barbara, I know what you’re saying, and I’m trying to explain why I didn’t think you could love me. You’ve been at my side for over ten years, you’ve seen what a complete mess I’ve made of every relationship I’ve ever had.”

“You haven’t made a mess of ours.”

“We’re tying ourselves up in knots here aren’t we?”

“Yes, we are.”

“How about we start again?”

I sighed, “good idea.”

“Barbara, I love you, I want to marry you and build a life with you and our child.”

“I love you too, but I can’t agree to marry you, not yet.”

“Why?”

“As I said, I love you, but you have no real idea how you are going to react to the baby until he or she is born. I don’t want you to feel that you have to stay with me.”

“I love you Barbara. I love our child.”

“But that’s the problem, it’s not your child. I know you think that you will be okay with raising another man’s child, but you can’t know until you are in that situation, and you can’t be in that situation until the child is born. I don’t hold that against you, it is perfectly normal, but I can’t marry you until you are sure that you are really okay with everything.”

“Can I ask you a difficult question?”

I looked at him quizzically, “yes.”

“Do you know if your rapist was black or white?”

I shuddered, a chill creeping through my veins. “He was white.”

“Right, okay. I’m sorry I had to ask you that. Look, I understand your concerns Barbara, but I am telling you right now that as far as I am concerned the baby you are carrying is mine. We are going to be parents, and I am proud to tell anyone who asks that I am the father.”

“Oh Tommy, are you sure about this?”

He grinned happily, and I realised what I had said.

“Yes Barbara, I am. I’m also happy that you’ve finally remembered my first name isn’t sir.”

“Well, if we’re going to be a family I can hardly keep calling you sir, can I?”

He leaned forward, his hand stroking the side of my face, “if I can be with you then you can call me anything you like.”

“I shall remember that.”

“Honestly Barbara, I am not going to change my mind about this. I want to be with you and the baby. This is no different than a man getting together with a woman who already has a child.”

“Except their child isn’t the result of rape.”

“Do you love your unborn child?”

I didn’t have to think twice. “Completely.”

“Then trust me to love you both. I know that there might be problems, but we will work them out as a couple. We can do this Barbara, I know that we can.”

I took both his hands in mine. “If we’re going to do this, if we’re really going to do this then we need to talk it all through. We need to make sure that we get our stories straight, that we have the same answer to all the questions we are going to be asked. We must make sure that what we say is watertight. We need to decide what we are going to tell your family.”

“We are going to tell my family that this baby is yours and mine, and that we are thrilled that we are going to be parents.”

“You’re sure?”

He nodded.

“Okay then.”

He stood, pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arms around me. I rested my face against his chest, breathing in his scent.

“We will make this work Barbara.”

I didn’t dare answer, wanting to just live in the moment. It was the safest I had felt since I had been raped and I wanted to treasure that. Tommy seemed to understand. His arms held me tighter and peppered my hair with kisses. 

Eventually I gently pushed away from him, and sat back down, he knelt next to me again.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally. I sat up until four in the morning so that I could do the pregnancy test, and then I spent the rest of the time trying to sort the mess out in my head. Sleeping was way down on my list of priorities.”

“Look, why don’t you go and get some rest. I’ll tell Hillier you’re not well. When I get off work, I’ll come back here, and we can talk some more.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive Barbara. I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	4. Chapter 4

…I really felt like I had gone through the emotional wringer, and I was sure that there was much more to come. I was desperate for sleep, but I knew it wouldn’t be deep or particularly restful. I couldn’t recall the last time I had slept properly and spent most of my time running on nerves and adrenaline.

I changed into my nightshirt and climbed into bed. I tossed and turned, but sleep remained elusive. In the end I got up and went and lay on the couch to read. When my eyes grew heavy I headed back to bed, but still sleep wouldn’t come, but I did manage to doze on and off.

I woke from one of these dozing sessions to find Tommy sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“What time is it?”

“Just after six. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You didn’t, all I have done since you left is cat-nap. I should get up.”

“Only if you want to. Are you hungry?”

“I let you know after I’ve had a shower.”

“Okay, I’ll be in the lounge.”

Finishing my shower, I sat on the edge of the bed and started to towel dry my hair. I was feeling a little more human; nauseous but more human. I was also feeling positive. I was starting to believe that this could work, that Tommy and I could make a real go of our relationship and the baby. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that it would be plain sailing, but it didn’t feel as hopeless as it had just a few short hours ago.

I rummaged through my chest of drawers, pulling out a clean pair of pyjamas, then retrieving my slippers and my robe. After dressing, I headed into the lounge.

I found Tommy settled on the couch reading. He looked up at me and smiled, holding out his hand for me to join him. He tugged me down onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me.

“Can I tempt you with anything edible yet?”

“Not right now, I’m trying to avoid a repeat performance of yesterday.”

“What happened yesterday?”

“Morning sickness, or not so morning sickness. I felt a bit rough when we were out, but I wasn’t actually ill until a couple of minutes after you dropped me home. I spent nearly half an hour on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet.”

“You poor thing. You should try and eat something though.”

“I had a slice of toast this morning.”

“That was a good few hours ago.”

“Please don’t nag me Tommy.”

“Sorry. I’m just concerned about you.”

“I appreciate that, I do. I just don’t want to risk eating anything right now as I'm feeling a bit sick, maybe later. Let’s see how things go… oh, excuse me…”

…Barbara broke free from my embrace and ran to the bathroom. I crossed to the kitchen sink and filled a glass with water, before heading after her.

I pushed the door open to find her kneeling on the floor, her arms draped over the rim of the toilet, her head resting on her arms. I put the glass of water on the sink.

“I’ve brought you some water.”

My comment was answered with a groan.

“Is there anything else you need?”

I assumed the next groan was a no, and so I left her to it. It wasn’t fun being ill, and it certainly wasn’t fun being ill with an audience.

I was back in the lounge reading when she reappeared looking a little pale, but much improved on how she had appeared when she had been laid up on the bathroom floor.

“Feeling better?”

“Mmmm, sorry about that. It goes nearly as quickly as it comes over me, and I’m glad about that as I don’t think I could cope if it went on for the whole day.”

What would you say if I said that I wanted you to see my doctor?”

“I’d say okay.”

“Really?”

“Really. You want to make sure that the baby and I are looked after properly, that we’re given the best care possible. You trust your doctor to do that.”

“So, you don’t think that I am trying to possess you or control you?”

“God no. Why would you think that?”

“I’ve been told that I try to possess people. That I hold onto them so tightly I suffocate them. I never want to do that to you.”

“You have always treated me as if I were yours. Does the phrase my sergeant ring any bells? But I don’t mind, it is nice to feel that someone cares about me, someone feels that deeply about me. However, would you be offended if I told you why I think you behave the way you do?”

“No. No, I wouldn’t be offended.”

She snuggled deeper into my embrace, and I was sure I caught her smiling as I laid my cheek on the top of her head. 

“As an outsider, looking in at the Lynley family dynamic, I think that you are still playing the role you did when you were seventeen. You are still that hurting teenage boy who idolised his father. You saw your mother betray him, and you are punishing her for that. You are also punishing her on behalf of him, because the way you see it, he never had the chance to make her suffer for what she did.

“You cling onto people because you are scared. You feel that you were left alone at seventeen and you don’t want to feel that way. When you are in a relationship, you want what you never had. You want to make it work even if it shouldn’t. It’s what you did with Deborah, and it’s what you did with Helen. I said I didn’t understand why you had gone back to her, but I did, it was just my jealousy talking. You wanted to have a successful relationship, even if it was just an illusion and you were miserably inside it.”

“You’re a very wise woman Barbara Havers.”

“You don’t have to worry about any of that with me. We’ve seen each other at our best and we’ve seen each other at our worst and yet we are still together. That should tell you something.”

“That I’m not the only one around here who is insane.”

She slapped my chest playfully, “I quite like being insane if it means that I can be with you.”

“I think you’ll find I said something similar.”

“See, that proves my point. We have over ten years of fighting for each other, of being there for each other when people think we are certifiably insane. Now we both know that we are certifiably insane, but we don’t care!”

“I do love you Barbara Havers. You get me, and yet you still love me.”

“I get you? Bloody hell Tommy, you managed to unravel me and still love me, for that you deserve a medal!”

“I guess we are made for each other. Now, do you want to have that talk we promised each other or would you rather go back to bed?”

“I should try and eat something. I think I’ve got some soup somewhere.”

“Would you like me to warm it up while you get settled? I can put it in mugs. We can snuggle up in bed, watch some tv.”

“Are you trying to corrupt me Mr Lynley?”

“Yes. Is it working?”

“You’ll just have to bring me some soup and find out.”

...Barbara rested her head against my shoulder.

“I’m glad you managed to talk sense into me.”

“Is that what I did?”

“I think so. Why? How do you see it?”

“I see that you were scared, and you were hurting. I just gave you a sounding board to work things out. The added bonus is that we have finally admitted how much we care for and love each other, and that we are going to be a family.”

“You make me sound far more intelligent than I actually felt I was.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have been dealing with something horrendous, something that most people will never have to face, it’s not surprising you felt overwhelmed. I happen to think you are pretty bloody amazing.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

“Thank you.”

“You have absolutely nothing to thank me for.”

She yawned, and then covered her mouth and blushed.

“Ooops, sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, it’s been a long and stressful day. If you are still tired, you should get some rest.”

“Would you stay with me?”

“You want me to stay the night?”

“Yes, I want to lie here in your arms?”

“I don’t mind, if you’re sure that’s what you want.”

“It is. I’ve hardly had any sleep since, since it happened, not properly anyhow. When I’m with you,” she shook her head, “this is going to sound so silly.”

I cradled her face in my hands, “nothing you have to say is silly. You know that you can tell me absolutely anything.”

“When Garrett held me hostage, and then you came in, and you took care of me, you gave me a safe place to let go of everything that I had been holding inside me. You held me in your arms and let me cry all over you. You didn’t care about anyone else or anything else, you just took care of me.

“Since that day, you have been my safe place. I understand that that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, to put on you, but I can’t help the way that I think and feel. When you look at me, when you smile at me, when you hold me in your arms, that’s when I know that I am safe, and I am home.”

I stroked the hair back off her face and then pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“It is not a lot of pressure, and I understand what you are saying more than you think. You’re my safe place too. When something happens, when I am feeling low, you are the first person I think of, the first person I want to talk to or see. When I was going through everything with Helen, you were the only one who could calm me, who could help me make sense of the chaos in my mind. That’s why I was so distressed when you handed in your notice; I didn’t know how to cope without you, and it scared me to even think about trying. You are my rock, my anchor, my sanctuary, and my port in a storm. I understand everything because it’s the same for me. You and I, us, it’s meant to be, we are meant to be.”

I quickly undressed to my trunks and then climbed back into bed. We lay together, our arms over each other, staring into each other’s eyes.

“We should have admitted our feelings for each other a long time ago. We should have been braver.”

“Should we? I’ve been giving that some serious consideration and maybe we found each other exactly when we were meant to, and we have been to each other exactly what we needed to be at the time. We were colleagues, we were partners, we were friends, we were best friends, and now we are lovers who are going to be parents. We’ve always been what the other needed, when the other needed them.”

“We’re not lovers yet.”

“No, we’re not, but only we need to know that. When the time is right for us, we’ll know. Until that time comes then we will live our lives the way things work for us.”

“That time will come Tommy. I don’t know when I will be ready, I don’t know how long it is going to take, and that isn’t a reflection on you.”

“I know it isn’t, I understand. There’s no pressure Barbara, I’m just happy to have you in my life.”

“There’s going to be times when you won’t be, because I am sure that things are going to be very up and down. I’m not fixed, I don’t know if I ever will be the person that I used to be, and the person I have become might very well drive you even more insane than you say you already are.”

I pressed my finger to her lips, “shush Barbara. I’m not under any illusion that this is going to take time, and however long it takes is however long it takes. I know that there are going to be times when things don’t go well for us, and I know full well that you and I will argue as we have always done. I know that sometimes you won’t want me anywhere near you. I can’t promise that it won’t hurt me, but I can promise that I will understand.”

She yawned again. “I’m sorry Tommy, I’m so tired. Can we continue this conversation tomorrow?”

“By all means.” I kissed her forehead again, “you sleep…”


	5. Chapter 5

…I woke suddenly and completely disorientated. I sat up, frantically looking around the room, trying to work out where I was. I noticed the person lying next to me and my heart rate increased. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and then opened them again.

I took a second look at the person lying next to me. Now I wasn’t panicking I recognised that it was Tommy. Sighing deeply, I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling, trying to relax.

“Are you okay?”

I rolled onto my side to face him. “Yeah, sorry I disturbed you.”

“It really doesn’t matter. Bad dream?”

“Memories, particularly unpleasant ones.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t, sorry.”

“Is there anything that I can do to help?”

“Honestly? I really don’t think there is, but thank you for offering. Look, I don’t want to keep waking you up, I’ll go and sleep in on the couch, so you can get a good night’s rest.”

Tommy reached over and turned on the bedside light. “It’s your bed Barbara, you don’t have to leave it.”

“It’s not fair on me to stay.”

“Barbara, I want you to stay. You told me that I made you feel safe, I’m not trying to boss you around but, I don’t think you have felt safe since your attack. You need to feel safe and I want to know that you feel safe. I’m not going to sleep if I know that you are in the lounge battling your demons alone.”

“I don’t deserve you Tommy, and you don’t deserve me dumping all of my stress and shit on you.”

“There’s nothing that you are doing that feels like stress or shit to me. If you can’t sleep, then maybe we should have that chat that we have been putting off.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“You want us to have our facts straight so that when we tell people about our relationship we are convincing and believable, although to be honest I don’t care what people think about us or our relationship. As I said to you earlier, most people think that we have been a romantic couple for years but have kept it hidden.”

“I just don’t want to embarrass you or your family. You are the one who has the most to lose here.”

“No, I don’t, I have the most to gain. I want you to believe me Barbara, you are the most important person in the world to me.”

“But you are part of an important family, I don’t want to drag down the Lynley/Asherton name.”

“Sod the Lynley and Asherton name! I would be happy living with you and our baby in this flat. If I wanted to live life in a gilded cage, then I wouldn’t be in the Met. I want to be with you. I want to make you and the baby happy. I will do whatever it takes for that to happen.”

“But I don’t want that. I don’t want you to make sacrifices and alienate your family. I know that there will be compromises, there always are in relationships, but I definitely don’t want to lay you out on a sacrificial altar to make life easy for me.”

“Barbara, I am not offering myself up as a sacrificial lamb. What I am doing is making compromises, just as you said we need to do. I want to be with you. I don’t know how many times I can say that, or in how many ways before you believe me. I don’t want you to have to change who you are to fit into my life. I don’t want you to have to forsake your beliefs and principals. I know that you find a lot of my world odd and uncomfortable, I don’t want you under any more pressure than you have to be.”

“This isn’t going to work, is it?”

“Oh Barbara, it is, it really is. We need to take the pressure off each other. I love you. I want to have a long-term, committed relationship with you. I want to bring up our child with you. I want everything with you, the good times and the bad. Please don’t run Barbara, let us work at our relationship together.”

“My head is in a mess. I’ve got all these horrible and terrifying memories that never leave me. Things lurk in the shadows, waiting to jump out at me or trip me up. Sometimes I can’t see the wood for the trees.”

“Okay, so let’s break this down into simple stages. Do you love me?”

“Yes, I have done for what seems like forever.”

“Do you want to bring up the baby with me?”

“Yes, but it terrifies me just how much you have to lose if the truth comes out.”

“Do you want to leave the Met and move in with me?”

“Yes.”

“Then that is all that matters. We don’t have to organise everything now, we don’t have to solve every problem now. Other couples resolve things as they come up, there is absolutely no reason why we can’t do the same.”

“I am scared that I’ll say something, or not have an answer for something, and that will make you and your family a laughing stock.”

“And I keep telling you that you will never do that. If you had been in a relationship with me before now and Stuart or Winston had been trying to pry information out of you, how would you respond?”

“I’d tell them to mind their own bloody business.”

“Exactly. Why should things be any different now?”

“You’re saying that I need to just be Barbara Havers?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. You and I have been in a romantic relationship for the last six months, we haven’t told anyone because we wanted to be sure it was serious before we gave up our careers. Now we are sure, we are resigning and building a life together. Anything else is no one’s business but ours. We don’t have to even mention the baby until after the first scan at twelve weeks if you don’t want to.”

“We can really do this?”

He took one of my hands in his, “yes, we can really do this. We can keep our own homes, or we can move in together. I can move in to your flat, you can move into my house, or we can sell them both and buy somewhere that is new to us and build a whole new life together with our child. We can do what makes us happy, no one else matters. We are in this relationship not our family and not our friends, what we tell them or don’t tell them is our business and no one else's.”

“I still stand by what I said to you earlier, I really don’t deserve you, but I do love you and I do want to build a life with you. I start feeling positive, I start believing that we can really make a go of things, and then those things in the shadows that I told you about, well those things start whispering, telling me that I will destroy you just like I destroyed my parents, like I destroyed my friendships, and just like I nearly destroyed my career. I couldn’t bear it if I destroyed you as well, that would be the end of me.”

“You won’t destroy me because it is not in your nature. In all the time we have known each other you have never, and I reiterate that, never let me down or come close to destroying me. You have risked your career for me twice, you’ve supported me, cared for me, looked out for me, gone above and beyond for me. I trust you Barbara, and I always will.”

“When he attacked me, when he put his hand over my mouth and grabbed me by the hair, when he dragged me into the darkness and forced me to the ground, when he tore my clothes from me, when he raped me, I shattered. He took everything and broke it; me, my life, my trust, my friendships. As he used me, as my head kept hitting the kerb, all I could do was stare at some rubbish lying in the gutter and think, that’s what I am now, that’s what he’s made me. I am just a piece of rubbish that he’s using and when he’s done with me he will throw me away. I made the decision to live, but ever since I have wondered if I would have been better off dead.”

“No Barbara, a thousand times no. You did what you had to do to survive, and I will always be grateful that you did. I hate that you were treated like that. I hate that someone did this to you, and if there is any way that I could have prevented it then I would have done so in a heartbeat. As I can’t change the past I am going to do everything in my power to make your future better.”

I started to cry, no longer able to fight my emotions. Tommy pulled me against his chest, stroking my hair and my back. I let him hold me, his warmth comforting me as much as his actions, and gradually I fell asleep…

…I felt Barbara relax in my arms, her breathing evening out as sleep claimed her. I was so angry with the man who had attacked her. It was the first time I had heard any detail about what she had been through, and it had taken all my willpower not to show my rage over how she had been treated; it wouldn’t have done her any good to see my anger, she needed me to be calm and controlled so that she could lean on me and use my strength when hers faltered.

I wanted to help her, but I knew my limitations. Barbara was going to need professional counselling to deal with what had happened to her, and to deal with the fact that she was carrying her rapist’s baby. She was correct when she said that there would probably be difficulties, and I would be there to help her through them, but she would need more help than I could give. I would need to tread carefully when making that suggestion, in fact it would probably be better if I somehow convinced her that it was her idea. It would take time, but I was sure that we would get there in the end.

With that thought I joined Barbara in sleep…

…Over breakfast Tommy and I had decided that we would tell Hillier that I was pregnant. While I had been keen to keep things quiet until my twelve-week scan, realistically I knew that I couldn’t; after all, one of my reasons for leaving was because I couldn’t risk anything happening to the baby, and that reason still stood. I couldn’t risk getting injured.

We waited outside Hillier’s office, me nervously fiddling with the zip on my jacket. Tommy reached across and gently squeezed my hand.

“It will be okay Barbara.”

“I hope you’re right. I’m not so sure. I think that he’s going to go every colour and shade from puce to tomato red and his temper will be almost stratospheric, that’s if he even believes that you and I are a couple.”

“I don’t care if he believes me, you and I know the truth and that is all that matters.”

“You have far more faith than I do.”

“That’s okay, it means that you can use my spare faith if you want to.”

I smiled at him, pleased that he was going to be by my side. “I think that I will be taking you up on that.”

“Good.”

Further conversation between the two of us was effectively terminated by the door to Hillier’s office opening. I expected Tommy to drop my hand, but he didn’t, instead he kept hold of it as we stood and made our way into the office.

Hillier looked pointedly at our joined hands but neither of us paid him any attention.

“So Lynley, what is this about?”

“Barbara and I are in a romantic relationship and we have just discovered that we are expecting a baby. Obviously, we know that we cannot continue working together, and we also know that Barbara cannot continue on active duty as it poses a risk to our unborn child.”

“And you didn’t think to notify me of your relationship until now? Would you have told me if Havers hadn’t fallen pregnant?”

“We wanted to be sure that what we have is real, now we know that it is.”

“You mean now that you have knocked Havers up.”

“I’d rather you didn’t speak about Barbara like that.”

Hillier ignored Tommy and turned to me, “what do you have to say for yourself Havers?”

“I understand that you are angry with us, and probably disappointed, but you don’t need to be quite so scathing. Tommy and I have been fighting our feelings for nearly the duration of our partnership, but we have now decided that our happiness and future are more important than our careers. We want to build a life and a family together.”

“You realise that I am going to have to split you up?”

“We realise that if we were to continue in the Met that you would have to split us up, but Tommy and I have decided that we want to leave the force completely.”

“I thought you just wanted to come off active duty Havers?”

“No, Tommy said that we realised that I couldn’t continue on active duty while I was pregnant, your outrage never gave us the opportunity to tell you that we had decided that we didn’t want to continue on the job either. Tommy and I are moving on to the next stage of our lives, and the Met isn’t part of that.”

“Are you planning on working your twenty-eight days’ notice?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I suppose that is something. I have to say that I am not at all happy with the subterfuge that you and Havers have been operating under,” Tommy went to interrupt but Hillier stopped him, “but I always knew that you two would end up together. I’d have had to be blind not to see how you feel about each other.”

“Thank you, Sir. Barbara and I are sorry for any problems that our relationship causes you.”

“Don’t worry about it Lynley, and good luck to the both of you…”

…Barbara slumped down onto my couch, pulling off her trainers and then massaging her feet.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded, “I didn’t realise how much running around Winston does for us when he is the one stuck in the office. I feel like I’ve walked more today than I usually do when I’m chasing after you.”

I sat down next to her, lifted her feet onto my lap and then started to massage one of them.

“Ooh that is so good.”

I smiled, amused as she melted almost bonelessly into the couch.

“I have my uses.”

“Well, now you’ve handed in your notice you can always set yourself up as a masseuse.”

“I think not! I shall save my skills for you and you alone.”

“I’m not going to complain, not when you’re this good.”

“What do you fancy for dinner this evening?”

“That depends on what plain, bland and boring fare you have lurking in your kitchen. I stuck to a salad and some fruit at lunchtime, and you won’t believe how exciting I found consuming it!”

“No, knowing your pre-pregnancy diet, I definitely wouldn’t believe you if you tried to convince me that you consumed it with any measure of excitement.”

“Did Winston ask you why he and I swapped roles?”

“He did, and I told him exactly the same as you did; that he needed more field experience before he takes his sergeant exams.”

“And did he believe you any more than he believed me?”

“I don’t think so. He kept prying, and I know he called Lafferty to find out if he knew the real story.”

“Ah, that explains the visit I had from our friendly local pathologist, although the way he was digging he could have a very successful secondary career as an archaeologist.”

“I’m sure you dealt with him in your usual inimitable style.”

“And you would be correct in your assumption.” She sat up and stilled my hands, “thank you for standing up for me with Hillier. I thought you were going to rip his head off when he said that you had knocked me up.”

“It was my pleasure to stand up for you, and I hate that turn of phrase. Knocked up sounds so…”

“Sordid? Derogatory? Common?”

“All of the above. Now, back to the question of dinner. Have you got any fancies?”

“I have plenty of fancies, but none of them are permitted. I have to keep little one happy.”

“Jacket potato, roast chicken and vegetables?”

“Sounds more appetising than toast. I just hope that little one will allow me to appreciate it for a reasonable amount of time.”

“Fingers crossed. I’ll go and put the oven on to warm up while you go and get changed into something more comfortable. I’ve put your overnight bag in my room.”

“It’s ridiculous, I’m hardly pregnant and yet I am really beginning to hate my jeans, they feel so constricting.”

“We should go out shopping at the weekend, get you some loose and comfortable clothing to lounge around in. You won’t need maternity clothing for a while yet, but you don’t need to struggle if you don’t have to.”

“That sounds like a good idea, my soon to be expanding waist line thanks you…”

…Dinner had been eaten, and for me revisited a couple of hours later. Tommy had taken care of me as he had the night previously, but I was getting very fed up.

“How soon can I get an appointment to see your doctor?”

“Pretty instantaneously, do you want me to arrange something for you tomorrow?”

I nodded, “I think I should. I haven’t seen anyone medical, I didn’t bother to get checked out after my attack, however now we have decided that we are really going to do this, I ought to start doing it properly.”

“I’ll make a call in the morning.”

“Thank you. I’ve also been thinking about my flat. As much as I loved it, as much as I was proud to have my first ever home of my own, I don’t think I want to live there anymore. If you are serious about us moving in together, and if you are happy here, I would like to take you up on your offer and move in with you.”

“I am happy here, but I would have lived anywhere with you.”

“I think that this house will make a good family home for us. I never thought that I would feel comfortable in somewhere so grand, but I think that comfort is more to do with the owner of the house than the house itself, if you get what I mean.”

“I understand you perfectly, and if you are sure that you can be happy here with me then here is where we will stay. There is no rush for you to sell your flat, we can take our time and get ourselves organised before you do anything with it.”

“No, I want to get everything done before I am too pregnant. I don’t want to have to sit back and let everyone else do the work, not that there will be much work involved, none of my furniture will fit in here.”

“If you want to bring some of your furniture with you then you can. This is going to be our home, you are not a guest, you are my partner. I want you to feel like you belong here, not that you are just visiting.”

“I know you do, and I know that you love me, but seriously, nothing I have belongs here. My furniture is cheap, cheerful and functional, it would stick out like a sore thumb.”

“We are blending our lives, every part of them, and if you have items of furniture or some trinkets that you want to bring with you then you should bring them here. I don’t judge things by their monetary value.”

“I know you don’t, I never thought you did, but you have to agree that my couch would look completely out of place here, unless you wanted it to take your temper out on as revenge for the night you had to sleep on it.”

“I was really grateful you let me stay that night. You were the one person I needed, the one person who I knew would understand me and not judge, and I was right.”

“I should have done more, I should have told you how I felt about you.”

“We discussed this Barbara.”

“I know, I know, but I can’t help thinking that if I had been brave enough then you and Helen would be happily divorced, and you wouldn’t have gone through all that agony.”

“We can’t know what would have happened, and there’s no point in worrying about things that we can’t change. We have a future together now and I couldn’t be happier…”


	6. Chapter 6

…Tommy had offered to come with me to the doctor, but I had politely refused, I wanted to do this on my own. I was apprehensive about seeing someone, about telling someone who wasn’t Tommy what had happened to me. Besides the morning sickness that wasn’t, there were two other reasons why I wanted to speak to a doctor. The first was that I wanted to be referred for counselling as I needed to deal with what had happened to me, and I didn’t want to keep depositing it at Tommy’s door. The second reason was much, much worse, I needed testing for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV.

I sat nervously in the waiting room, trying not to feel intimidated by the plush surroundings. Even the magazines were high end! I shifted nervously in my seat, once again fighting the urge to run, something that seemed to be my default setting.

“Ms Havers?”

My name being called brought me back to the present.

“That’s me.”

“I’m Dr Pennington, if you would like to come through.”

I stood and followed him into the consulting room, closing the door behind me and sitting down.

“So, how can I help you today?”

I shook my head sadly, “how long have you got?”

“We have as long as you need Ms Havers, take your time.”

“You may live to regret that.”

“I doubt that very much.”

I took a deep breath and then started to speak. “I was raped, it was before Tommy and I got together romantically, he knows about it. I am pregnant by my rapist, and I am having the baby. Tommy wants to bring the baby up with me as his. I haven’t had any medical treatment since my attack, and I haven’t had my pregnancy confirmed by a doctor, but I have peed on a stick and I am having sickness and other symptoms. I also need to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV as he obviously didn’t use a condom.”

“We should start with taking a full history, and then we can do an examination and a pregnancy test. Would you like my nurse to be present as a chaperone?”

I nodded, although my need to run was becoming stronger by the second. I reverted to deep breathing, knowing that I had to see this through.

My medical history didn’t take long, even when you took my shooting and post-traumatic stress disorder into account I was a reasonably healthy specimen. The examination however was a completely different story.

I had never been a particularly tactile person, after Terry had passed away my parents completely forewent displays of affection, and I had closed myself off from getting close to anyone. Tommy was the only person who touched me and didn’t make me flee in the opposite direction. Having someone else touch me, even in a medical setting, made my blood run cold.

Dr Pennington gave me a full examination, including an internal one where he checked for injuries and took swabs. He also took blood for a full spectrum of tests. Tears streamed down my face the entire time I was being examined; the nurse holding onto my hand did her best to comfort me, but it didn’t have any effect. I wanted Tommy, but I was relieved that he wasn’t there to see me fall to pieces.

When everything was over, Dr Pennington left the room while I dressed. The nurse made me a strong cup of tea, and then sat with me until I felt calmer. I finally managed to pull myself together and she called the doctor back into the room.

“Well Ms Havers, you’ll be pleased to know that your attack hasn’t done you any permanent damage. You are pregnant, approximately six weeks, and everything seems to be progressing as it should. I do need to ask you, are you sure that you want to proceed with this pregnancy?”

“That, and my relationship with Tommy, are the only things that I am sure of. My attacker has changed me, has changed my life, and I don’t know if I am ever going to get back to the person that I was, but that isn’t my baby’s fault. Tommy is telling everyone that the baby is his, including his family, and he is one hundred percent willing to bring it up as his. He loves me, and we both love our child.”

“Have either of you thought about counselling? The path that you are planning to undertake is going to be full of pitfalls and problems, it would probably do you both good to talk to someone professionally.”

“That was one of the reasons that I wanted to come and see you. I can’t speak for Tommy, and I would never presume to, but I think I need a referral to a counsellor. Another was to see if you could suggest anything for the sickness; it is hitting me late every night, about two hours after I eat dinner. I beginning to think that I should just cut out the middle-man and throw my supper down the loo!”

“I don’t like to give expectant mothers medication unless the sickness is relentless. If you are only experiencing it a couple of hours after your evening meal, it might be an idea to have your main meal around lunchtime and stick to something light in the evening. If you start losing weight, or if the sickness starts happening at other times, then you can come back to see me, and we can look at medication. In the meantime, you could try natural remedies such as dry toast or crackers, small meals which are bland but nutrient rich.”

“Tommy and I looked on the net for advice on food. I take it that you and he agree that my motto should be ‘if it’s not bland it’s banned’?”

Dr Pennington laughed, “that’s an appropriate motto. There are other things you can try. Ginger is good, drinks with ginger in such as ginger ale or ginger tea, ginger candy or ginger biscuits. You could also try ice; ice lollies, frozen lemonade, or homemade frozen strawberry and peach lollies. You must also do your best to stay hydrated, the ice helps with that, as does drinking lots and lots of water.”

At that I laughed, “I’m already peeing for England, if I drink much more then I think I will have to move into the toilet and direct my life from the porcelain throne!”

Dr Pennington smiled at me warmly, “if needs must. Are you still working?”

“Tommy and I are working our notice. I am currently on light duties, which seems to involve lots of running around the office finding information. I’m more used to being right in the thick of things with Tommy, keeping an eye on him so that he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

“It might be an idea to see if your employer will let you leave your job early.”

“We can try, but he wasn’t particularly enthused by our news in the first place.”

“You need to do what is right for you and for your baby. If you think it might help I can write a letter explaining that it is the best thing for the both of you.”

“I think I will try talking to him first, but thank you for the offer.”

“Okay, well I will write you a prescription for vitamins and folic acid, and provide you with some literature concerning diet and controlling the sickness and nausea. I will also make a referral to a counsellor and arrange for your first appointment with a midwife. If you or Lord Asherton have any questions or concerns then please contact me, but we will be in contact with the results of your tests. Obviously, you shouldn’t have unprotected sex with Lord Asherton until then.”

“I wouldn’t dream of putting him at risk, I love him too much to ever do that.”

“And don’t forget what I said about leaving work. If you can remove stress, then you should do so.”

“I won’t forget. Thank you, Dr Pennington…”

…I hadn’t heard anything from Barbara all day. She hadn’t come into work afterwards, and she wasn’t answering her phone. I had been climbing the walls worrying about her, and had wanted to get away to see how she was; unfortunately, work had had other ideas.

When I finally managed to get home, I was relieved to see her car parked outside the house. I hurried inside, discarding my coat on the bannister. 

I checked the lounge first but there was no sign of her, before moving on to the kitchen, which was also empty. Exhausting every room downstairs, I headed for our bedroom.

Opening the door, I stopped dead at the sight of Barbara curled up under the duvet. She looked so calm and peaceful, and I was loath to wake her, no matter how much I wanted to know how things had gone. Quietly shutting the door behind me, I headed back downstairs.

An hour later Barbara appeared in the doorway to my study. She didn’t speak, instead she crossed the room to where I was sitting on the Chesterfield and curled up on my lap, tucking her head under my chin.

“I’ve been worried about you; how did the appointment go?”

“It was horrible. Dr Pennington is lovely, but he had to do an internal examination. I held the chaperone’s hand and cried through the entire thing.”

I tightened my hold on her and ran a hand up and down her arm.

“Why did he need to do an internal examination? Is there something wrong?”

“No, I just hadn’t seen a doctor since I was attacked, he wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any internal damage. Everything is fine, the pregnancy is progressing nicely, but he wants me to give up work now. I need to drink more because of the sickness, and as I practically live in the loo due to my peanut sized bladder if I don’t give up work I’ll have to ask Hillier to set me up an office in the ladies.”

“Oh, ask him for a toilet office, please ask him.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to sell tickets to the meeting!”

“You are a very wicked man Thomas Lynley, but seriously, do you think he’ll let me leave early?”

“If it is for your health and the baby’s then I don’t believe he can refuse.”

“It’ll just be another thing for him to be annoyed about, another black mark against me.”

“Do you care what he thinks about you now?”

“I do. I know it might sound strange to you, so many people think badly of me, I don’t want to keep adding to the list.”

“Hillier doesn’t think badly of you, that was Webberley. Webberley was the one who was looking for you to fail, Hillier reinstated you, don’t ever forget that.”

“You’re right, sorry.”

“Hey,” I hooked my finger under her chin and made her look me in the eye, “you have nothing to say sorry for. You seem a bit down Barbara, did the doctor say something and you’re not telling me?”

“No, there’s nothing. He did ask if we were sure that we wanted to keep the baby, and I told him that and our relationship were the only two things that we were sure of. He gave me a full MOT and, as I said, everything is fine. I just need to drink more water, and I have a mountain of literature to work my way through, plus he’s going to refer me to a counsellor. That was something I asked him to do, he didn’t suggest it, but he agreed that it was a good idea. He has also booked my first appointment with the midwife. It is in three weeks.”

“Did he give you anything for the sickness?”

“No, he didn’t want to. He gave me a very long list of lots of lovely things that I can try to ease it, so we will need to go shopping at some point, and there is the drinking water until I float. He said that if it gets any worse then I should go back, and he will see what he can give me, if anything.”

“Do you want to go shopping now?”

“I never want to go shopping, shopping is eviller than Webberley was at appraisal time, and that’s saying something!”

“Do you want me to go out and get whatever it is that he wants for you?”

“You would go and buy ginger tea, ginger ale, ginger candy, ginger biscuits, plain crackers, ice lollies, lemonade to freeze, oh and some strawberries and peaches for us to make our own frozen treats?”

“If that is what you need.”

“I also need to eat lots of small, bland but nutrient rich meals. You could be gone for hours trying to track all of this stuff down, and it is going to cost an absolute fortune.”

“The money means nothing and, not wanting to boast, it is hardly an issue. If you need these things, if the doctor thinks that they will help you feel better then I will get them for you.”

“I am willing to try anything to not keep revisiting my evening meal.”

“Then I’ll pop out and get your shopping while you have a nice long soak in the bath. Curl up in bed and I will bring you a nice bland but nutrient rich meal.”

“A girl could get used to be pampered.”

“That is the general idea. I want to look after you, I want to take care of you and make sure that you and the baby don’t want for anything.”

“You do know that’s not the reason I love you? I didn’t meet you, take one look at the size of your wallet and decide to trap you.”

“God Barbara, I didn’t think that, I would never think that. You didn’t even like me when we first met, you thought that I was an aristocratic ponce. It took ten years for us to get to where we are now. I know that you love me for who I am, a fact that never ceases to amaze me as I can be that aristocratic ponce on regular occasions, and yet you still swoop in and save me.”

“You’re my best friend Tommy, you know me and yet you like me, which is just as hard for me to believe as it appears to be for you. I love you so much, and sometimes I still find it hard to understand how you can love me.”

“I love you because you are you. Because you see me and still care about me. Because you always put me first, even when I don’t deserve it. Because you stop me from doing stupid things. Because you challenge me and make me a better person. I don’t know how else to put this so that you understand and believe me when I say that there is no one more important in my life than you.”

She snuggled closer to me. “I do hear you, and I do understand, I just have a little trouble believing. I will get there, it’s just that sometimes I wobble. I keep waiting to wake up. I lie in bed next to you and I am convinced that I am dreaming and that when I do wake up I will be back in that car park again and he will be on top of me.”

“This isn’t a dream. I wish more than anything that I could take those horrible memories from you, that I could somehow make it that you were never attacked, but I can’t. Instead, all I can do is be there for you, look after you, take care of you, and love you with everything that I have.”

“And I love that you wish that you could do that for me. I guess the reason I wobble sometimes is because this is still relatively new for me. My attack was only six weeks ago, which is just a brief moment in time. It is going to take me much longer to get back to some semblance of normality. I hate that you are having to put up with me being emotionally unstable, but I know that I can’t do this without you.”

“You don’t have to, you never have to. I am here for you, I will always be here for you.”

“And I will never be able to truly thank you for that.”

I tenderly kissed her forehead, “go and have your long hot bath, I’m heading out to the shops.”

“That’s so caveman of you. Man forage. Just don’t add woman cook or we’ll either be starving or suffering from food poisoning.”

“I shall make a cook out of you yet Barbara.”

“God help you!..”

…I lay back in the bubble covered water and closed my eyes. Today had been really emotional, and for all the wrong reasons. I was angry that my attacker appeared to have removed my backbone while he was raping me. The me before would never have cried while being examined by a doctor. The me I was before would never have repeatedly fallen apart at the slightest thing. I needed to put a period after the attack and start focussing my energies on Tommy and the baby; I hoped that my counselling would help me in achieving that.

Tommy was being so understanding, and I loved him for it, but felt that he was doing all the giving and I was doing all of the taking. It wasn’t fair. I needed to start contributing to our relationship, I needed to support him as much as he was supporting me.

I slid under the water, holding my breath for as long as I could before coming up again and exhaling loudly. Tugging the plug out of the bath, I stepped out, wrapped myself in a towel and headed into the bedroom.

Ten minutes later I was dressed in sweats, down in the kitchen, laying the table for supper.

“I thought we were eating in bed?”

“Nah, I thought it would be nice to eat at the table like normal civilised people do. That and I don’t want you to have to keep hoovering the sheets; it was like Brighton beach the other day with all the toast crumbs and it really isn’t much fun to have to keep removing them from hard to reach places!”

Tommy sniggered, “you only had to ask for help.”

“I wondered why you had a giant magnifying glass and a pair of surgical tweezers.”

“And I thought that I had hidden them so carefully.”

“I’m a detective, I detected.”

“I shall remember that.”

“So, were you successful in your mission to track down all the things that Dr Pennington said would turn me into a happily non-vomiting pregnant woman?”

“Yes, I managed to find everything, and I think I even managed to find a way for you to still have crispy chips.”

“You did? Just when I thought I couldn’t love you anymore.”

“Well, if you take these bags off me I have one more thing to get from the car.”

I held my hands out eagerly. “If it means that I can have crispy chips I will even put the shopping away.”

I had my head in the fridge when he returned.

“Tah-dah!”

I closed the fridge door and turned to face him, and in doing so catching sight of the large cardboard box he had placed on the worktop.

“What’s that?”

“It’s an air fryer. It means that you can cook things without oil. I know how much you hate soggy oven chips, this can do you nice crispy ones without any of the stuff that will upset your stomach.”

I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around him, “I think I was right when I said man forage, and forage successfully you have.”

He smiled, his lips softly brushing my forehead, “so foraging man did the correct thing?”

“Most definitely.”

“Do you want to christen my gift tonight?”

I shook my head, “let’s do it on another night when we have more time between setting it up and me enjoying my nightly visit to the facilities. I thought that tonight we could have the rest of the chicken with some salad and crusty bread.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“Well you go and get washed up while I prepare supper. I don’t think even I can make a mess of something that doesn’t need to go anywhere near an oven…”

…Barbara was dozing peacefully beside me. She seemed far more relaxed after her visit to the doctor, although I was sad that the examination had distressed her so deeply. I wasn’t stupid, I knew that there would probably be many more upsetting times ahead of us, but we would get through each and every one of them.

I was also pleased that she had instigated counselling herself. That told me that she was feeling more in control of her own life, and that had to be a good thing. We would still be taking things one step at a time, but we were making inroads, and that was a positive thing.

Barbara murmured and rolled towards me, her arm sliding over my hip, her face pressing against my chest. I held her close, and was rewarded with another murmur and a sigh of what sounded like contentment.

My last conscious thought was about how lucky I was to have such an amazing woman in my life, and I smiled as sleep claimed me…

…The following morning Barbara went to see Hillier. Once again, she decided to do it alone, and once again I understood why. It was another step forward on her road to recovery, and I supported her wholeheartedly in that.

I waited for her in my office, trying to control the nervousness I felt. I hoped that Hillier understood what she was asking of him and why, and that he wouldn’t be too angry with her request. All I could do was cross my fingers and wait.

The door to my office opened tentatively and Barbara’s face appeared.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course.”

She stepped into the office, shutting the door behind her and then perching on the edge of my desk.

“Well?”

“Hillier was remarkably understanding. I think he said yes just so that I wouldn’t go into too much detail.”

“So, when is he letting you go?”

“I said that I would stay on until the end of this week, which is today.”

“He really didn’t want you to tell him exactly why you needed to leave before your twenty-eight days were up did he?”

She shook her head, “I was quite disappointed actually.”

“And you say that I am wicked.”

“Well you are! There is one thing that I’m not happy about though.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m not going to be here to keep an eye on you while you work your notice. Promise me that you won’t do anything silly. Promise me that you won’t put your life at risk.”

“I won’t. I promise you I won’t. We’ve come too far for me to risk everything now.”

“And don’t do yourself a mischief when you chase after someone. In every case we’ve investigated together you seem to have this overwhelming urge to run. I don’t want Winnie or Hillier calling me to say that you’ve fallen off a roof again or tripped in a pothole.”

“I promise not to do myself a mischief either.”

She quirked an eyebrow at me, “we’ll see.”

I reached for her hand, “I promise you, and I keep my promises to you.”

Her eyebrow went higher, “as I said, we’ll see. What are you and Winnie going to be up to today?”

“We’re office based unless something is called in. We managed to finish up our last case yesterday because, in the words of Detective Constable Nkata our suspect was ‘a dickhead’.”

“You have to love Winnie, he manages to get straight to the point.”

“But he’ll never be as good as you my love.”

“I know. He learnt from the expert, but he will never fully achieve my lofty sarcasm standards.”

“I think I am relieved about that.”

“Oi! What are you trying to say?”

“That there is only one you.”

“Good, because if you start calling Winnie my love I will be seriously concerned.”

I came from behind my desk and hugged her, “that is never going to happen.”

“I’m pleased to hear it. Now, I am going to go back to my desk and finish up all the things I can get done before clocking off.”

“Will you have lunch with me?”

“Definitely. What do you have planned? Have you discovered a bland but nutrient rich restaurant that’s local to here?”

“I will make sure that you and little one have something that will agree with you. Other than that, well you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Right, okay then, you have me very intrigued and so I shall keep everything crossed that you and Winnie don’t get called out.”

“Are you going to tell him and Stuart that you are leaving today?”

“No, I’m not. They might hate me for it, but I don’t want to try and find answers for the questions that I know they are going to ask. I know that I am slowly getting there, but I am not ready for their interrogation.”

“I can deal with them next week.”

“Just don’t let Stuart interrogate you in the morgue; he has weapons down there and he knows how to use them!”

“I’ll be fine. Right, I must get on and so must you. Barring any disasters, I will come and collect you at lunchtime.”

She moved to the door and then looked back at me, a cheeky grin on her face. “I can hardly contain my excitement.”

She was gone before I could think of a suitable reply…

…”What’s going on Barb? You and the DI have never willingly partnered someone else and yet I am the one now riding shotgun in the Bristol.”

“We told you, you need more experience before you sit your sergeant’s exam.”

“I’m not buying that for a second.”

“Well you need to start buying it because your exam is only four weeks away.”

“I know when my exam is, I’m the one sweating blood and tears over it, but that still doesn’t explain why you are driving a desk while I career around the countryside with your best friend.”

“Believe me or don’t believe me Winnie, the truth is what you have been told. I thought you would be pleased to be out there with Lynley, being hands on during investigations.”

“I would be, if I thought I was being told the truth as to why it is happening.”

“Winnie, enough already, please.”

“I’m worried about you Barb, and so is Stuart. We both feel as if something is going on and it concerns us that you won’t talk about it.”

I looked up at him and smiled in what I hoped was a reassuring way. “It is very sweet of you both to be worried, but I am fine, honestly. Hillier thought that it was about time you got some more field experience, and as the DI is your superior officer he suggested, and I agreed that you should have the opportunity to learn from him. I’m actually enjoying sitting here in the warm instead of running around after miscreants but, if you are really unhappy then I suggest you take a trip down the corridor to the ACC’s office and tell him.”

Any further conversation was halted by Tommy who arrived at my desk to take me to lunch.

“You ready?”

“Yep, and I’m still intrigued as to where you are planning on taking me.”

“As I said earlier, it’s a surprise, but I will make sure that there is something on the menu that will meet the high standards set by your refined palate. Shall we go?”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.” I pulled on my coat and retrieved my bag. 

“Somehow I didn’t think I would. If you need us Winston, then you can get us on our mobiles.”

“We can bring you something back if you like.”

Winnie looked quizzically at both of us, “no thank you Barb, I hope you and the DI have a nice lunch.”

“We will…”

…”What were you discussing with Winston when I interrupted?”

“He was prying again, trying to find out why he is, and I quote riding shotgun in the Bristol while I am driving a desk’. I know that we are going to need to tell him and Stuart something after I leave, but I just want to go quietly with no fuss.”

“He cares about you.”

“I know he does, and I know that Stuart does too, and I feel really guilty for lying to them, but I also can’t see any other way to deal with it. All I can do is hope that one day they can find it in them to forgive me.”

“I will talk to them both next week.”

“You’re going to have to tell them about the baby, aren’t you?”

“I think so.”

“Perhaps we could invite them over for lunch tomorrow and tell them then, away from the office. I would say dinner, but, well I think you know why I wouldn’t want them there in the evening.”

“I understand.”

“Whatever I do, they’re going to be angry with me, aren’t they?”

“Probably, but they will understand, eventually.”

“It’s the eventually bit that worries me the most.”

“Try not to worry Barbara, I am sure that they won’t hold a grudge. If anything, they are going to be pleased for both of us. Remember, I told you that they think we’ve been a couple for years and just haven’t told anyone.”

“Why does life have to be so complicated? I mean, we haven’t been that wicked so why does life think we need punishing?”

“I don’t have the answer to that question, I wish I did but I don’t. I don’t think that anyone really has the answer why life treats them the way it does, we just have to handle what we’re given to deal with. I will forever be thankful that you came into my life because I cannot imagine what it would be like without you.”

“I feel the same way about you. The day we were put together didn’t seem like the best, but it turned out to be that and so much more. I do love you Tommy Lynley.”

“I love you too. Now, what do you and the tadpole fancy for lunch?”

“The tadpole? Oh Tommy, that is so cute!”

“You don’t mind?”

“No, of course I don’t, I think it’s adorable and very cute.”

“So, we shall refer to our little one as the tadpole from now on?”

“Definitely, having a nickname for them makes it seem more real.”

“I would have thought the joy of sickness made it real enough for you as it is.”

“I’m trying not to think about that.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, I just want to enjoy a meal once not twice.”

“What are you going to have then?”

“I think I’ll leave that up to you…”

…Tommy had been right, the restaurant he had found was perfect and I had managed to have an appetising yet bland-ish meal. 

We had agreed that he would issue the invite for lunch. I decided that he could tell them whatever he wanted to get them there, but he would wait until I had headed home so that they wouldn’t bother me. Once again things were getting complicated; I wondered when it was ever going to stop.

As I finished up the last of my filing I took a moment to look around the office. A lot had changed over the ten odd years that I had been stationed here. The office had become non-smoking for one! I smiled and shook my head, there was a lot that I was going to miss as well as a lot that I wasn’t. I had experienced some of my happiest times being part of the Metropolitan police, and some of the unhappiest, but they had all led me to Tommy, and I would never regret that.

Closing the filing cabinet drawer, I logged off from my computer, gathered my belongings and headed for the door.

“Night Sarge, have a good weekend.”

“You too…”

…”Winston, could you pop into my office for a moment? I’d like to talk to you about something.”

“Certainly Sir.”

He followed me back to my office and I gestured for him to take a seat.

“Right, what I am about to tell you is to go no further than the four walls of this office. Is that clear?”

He nodded, “yes Sir.”

“Barbara and I would like to invite you and Stuart for lunch tomorrow. Would that be convenient for you?”

“Umm, can I ask why Sir?”

“You can, but Barbara and I would rather discuss it with you both tomorrow. Will you be able to attend?”

“What time Sir?”

“One o’clock at my townhouse in Belgravia. Don’t look so worried Winston, it’s just an informal lunch with friends.”

“Okay Sir, thank you Sir, I will see you then.”

“Good, good, but remember Winston, no one outside these four walls is to know anything about this. I will contact Stuart myself…”

…I stood nervously in the kitchen, fighting the urge not to pace. Tommy came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“It will be okay Barbara.”

“Once again, I hope you are right, because currently my mind is being really helpful and conjuring up every single negative scenario possible.”

“I may be incredibly jealous of the friendship between you and Stuart, but even I don’t think it will be as bad as you are imagining.”

I spun round to face him, “you’re jealous of Stuart?”

“God yes. I hated that you could be so relaxed around him, I wanted that with you desperately.”

“I don’t fancy Stuart and I never have.”

“Didn’t stop me from being jealous.”

I reached up and cupped his cheek with my hand, “that is very sweet, but you really don’t have anything to be jealous about. The only reason I am able to be friends with Winston and Stuart is because of you; you made me believe that people could like me for me, that they weren’t using me, manipulating me, humiliating me or playing me.”

“We’re as bad as each other, aren’t we?”

“I think so, which is why we are so very good together.”

“It will be okay Barbara. I’m sure that both Stuart and Winston will be happy for us.”

I was about to hug him when the doorbell rang.

“Hold that thought Tommy, because the show is about to begin.”

He squeezed my shoulder, “it won’t be a show, it will be us telling friends that we’re together and that we’re having a baby. Now, sit down and relax while I let our guests in…”

…Do you have any idea why Lynley has asked us to come for lunch with him and Barb?”

Stuart shook his head. “Not a clue, I don’t even know why we have been invited to his house.”

“There’s been something going on between them, you and I both know it.”

“Perhaps they are finally going to admit to us that they are in a relationship.”

“Well, if they’re expecting us to be surprised then they’re the ones who’ve got a surprise coming.”

“I think we should let them have their say, it would be a shame to steal their thunder.”

“Agreed. We should just go with the flow and see what happens…”

…I opened the door and smiled welcomingly at our guests, “Stuart, Winston, come in. Let me take your coats, Barbara is in the kitchen.”

I led them up the hall to the kitchen, where Barbara was perched on a stool at the breakfast bar.

“Hi guys, thanks for coming.”

“We would have been mad to refuse lunch at Chez Lynley. What’s on the menu?”

Barbara smiled warmly at them. “Nothing fancy, and nothing involving silver service or masses of courses.”

“She wouldn’t let me do that.” I grumped jokily.

The she in question ruffled my hair, “no I wouldn’t Lord Mizzog. It’s just fish and chips, I hope you both approve.”

I noticed Winston looking shocked at Barbara’s actions, whereas Stuart looked smug.

“Lunch is almost ready; can I get you guys a drink?”

“Do you have beer?”

“Definitely.”

“Why don’t you guys sit down, I’ll bring them over.”

The three of us sat at the table while Barbara retrieved the beers from the fridge and the bottle opener from the drawer.

“Not joining us Barb?”

“No, I’m sticking to water.”

The guys shared a knowing look, which Barbara caught.

“Shall we put them out of their misery Tommy?”

“I suppose we should.”

“What’s going on Barb?”

I tugged Barbara down onto my lap. She nestled against me, looping her arms around my neck to balance herself.

“Tommy and I, we’re a couple and, well, we’re going to have a baby.”

“Barbara is six weeks pregnant.”

“I finished work yesterday because of stress and the sickness, that’s why you have been partnering Tommy on cases Winnie, I was put on light duties, but it wasn’t enough.”

“I’m also leaving, but will be completing my twenty-eight days’ notice, so I will be there for you leading up to your sergeant’s exam Winston.”

“I knew you weren’t telling me the truth earlier! You could have said, I wouldn’t have told anyone.”

“We decided not to tell anyone except for Hillier.”

“And that was tough enough!”

“What did you think we’d do Barbara?”

“I thought you would be angry with me for keeping secrets from you for so long.”

“Hardly! Everyone knew that you two were in love, we’ve all known it for years.”

“We’re just surprised it took you and the DI so long to work it out Barb.”

“So, you don’t hate me?”

I could feel her shaking as she asked the question, and I hoped that the answer would be the one that she needed to hear.

“No Barb, we don’t hate you.”

Her shaking stopped, and she relaxed almost bonelessly in my embrace.

“Thank you, thank you so much.”

“Yes, thank you both for being so understanding.”

The timer on the oven interrupted us.

“Lunch is ready, let’s eat…”

…I put the last of the plates in the dishwasher and switched it on. As I stood up, Tommy slid his arms around my waist, pulling me back against his chest and nuzzling my neck.

“Are you okay?”

“Not exactly okay, but I am relieved that we’ve told them and that they don’t hate me.”

“Did you really think that they would?”

“Well, you did say that they would probably be angry with me so…”

“I didn’t say that to upset you.”

“You didn’t. I guess I’m so used to people being angry with me or let down that I always expect the worst.”

“Well you shouldn’t because you don’t deserve people being angry with you or letting you down. We all make mistakes, but you don’t make them any more than the next person. And being in a relationship with me, and us having a baby together is something that should be celebrated.”

“You are so good to me. Thank you, Tommy.”

“For what exactly? I don’t think that I do anything special.”

“You do, you always have done, even when I’ve been a complete cow and railed against you in fury.”

“You were cautious, not used to people listening to you, understanding you or showing you kindness. That’s changed now, you’ve grown in yourself and in your confidence.”

“Only for a moment of violence to suck it all back out of me again.”

“No Barbara, that isn’t true. Yes, you have been through a terrible event that has rocked your confidence, but it hasn’t destroyed you, you wouldn’t let that happen because that would mean letting the man who attacked you win.”

“He has, in some ways.”

“No, he hasn’t.”

“He has.”

“No, he hasn’t.” Tommy took my hand and led me over to the kitchen table. “Sit down Barbara, and listen to me.”

I sat down heavily, wondering what on earth he could say that would change how I thought about myself. He crouched down in front of me, still holding my hand.

“I know you don’t believe me, and you think that I am just paying you lip service because I love you, but I’m not, I’m really not. In all the time we have known each other I have never lied to you, and I am not about to start now, not when it is about something very important, in fact, not ever.

“What happened to you, what you went through, I can never begin to understand how you felt, how you still feel, but I do know this; he has not destroyed you. If you believe nothing else that I ever say to you then please, believe this. In the years that you and I have been friends, I have got to know you, the real you, not the one that you showed everyone else, the you that you did your best to hide behind to protect yourself against being hurt. 

“Your attacker hurt you. Your attacker tried to destroy you, but he didn’t. You didn’t let him. You told me that you stopped fighting him and made the decision to stay alive, and the fact that you did that means that you didn’t want him to destroy you. I know you originally thought that perhaps you had made a mistake doing that, but I hope you know now that you didn’t.

“You are still the Barbara that I know and that I love, he hasn’t changed that. Deep down, you know that, you’re just scared because of all the changes that are happening because of the attack. I am going to be by your side, every step of the way. We will support each other because that’s what couples do, that’s what you and I have always done. As you said, there will be wobbles, that is only natural, but we are really going to do this.”

“You really believe that I haven’t changed, that he hasn’t destroyed me?”

“I do, and as I said, I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“I’m being an idiot again, aren’t I?”

“No, not an idiot, as I said, you’re just scared and that’s understandable.”

“Like you were scared, after Helen.”

“Yes, like I was scared. We both struggle at time, but the other is always there to hold the other up and guide them until the storm passes.”

I had a lightbulb moment, and something that he had said to a while back was suddenly making sense. “Your port in a storm.”

“Yes, you are my port in a storm, just as I hope that I am yours.”

“You are.” I stood and held out my hand to him. “Come to bed Tommy, I want to hold you.”

He smiled at me tenderly, and then followed me out of the kitchen and up the stairs to our room…

…Silently we undressed and slid under the covers. Barbara wrapped her arms around me and held me close. I raised my hand and stroked her cheek.

“I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”

“I’m lucky too. I think, if I hadn’t been attacked we would still be dancing around each other, both too scared to make a move or to say the words I love you. I wish it hadn’t happened, but I don’t wish we hadn’t got together.”

“I was plucking up the courage to ask you on a date.”

“You were?” I nodded. “Where were you planning to take me?”

“I was going to discuss that with you, make the decision together.”

“Oh, come on now, you must have had some idea where you would like us to go.”

“I thought about a picnic in the park at night.”

“I like the sound of a picnic at night, but do you know where I would choose if I could pick anywhere?”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

“The garden of this house. It has become my favourite place, my sanctuary. When things get too much I like to go and sit out there. It’s like a little oasis of peace.”

“We could have a night picnic tomorrow, obviously it would need to be bland but nutrient rich picnic foods… ouch!”

“You deserved that slap. Anyway, with the amount of water I have been drinking over the last couple of days, and the ginger I have been consuming, I am crossing my fingers that I might have the sickness under control.”

“I took some time to read that literature that Dr Pennington gave you. It says that the sickness should stop after the first trimester, so even if you haven’t got it under control you hopefully shouldn’t have to put up with after twelve weeks.”

“I’m hoping I’ve sorted it because I really can’t face another six weeks of cuddling the toilet.”

“I could have some padding installed, maybe a nice foam floor.”

Barbara slapped me playfully again. “Your concern for my comfort is both noted and appreciated, but hopefully not required.”

“Well, the offer is there if it is required.”

“Tell me some more about our date.”

“There would be candles and fairy lights, a thick blanket on the grass, and big fluffy pillows. I would make sure that there were all your favourite things were there for you to eat. There would be beer, and chips, and mini pies, and chocolate in many forms.”

“And proper hot chocolate?”

“Copious amounts of hot chocolate, with cream and mini marshmallows. Have I forgotten anything?”

“No, not a thing.”

“We would lie under the stars and talk and eat and kiss, and I would tell you how much I love you, and how beautiful I think you are, and how being with you completes me. I would let you know that you are the person I have spent my whole life looking for, and I would ask you to forgive me for not realising it sooner.”

“I thought you said that we had to get to this point to have a relationship?”

“Yes, I did, but I also said that around the time of your attack I was plucking up the courage to ask you out on a date, so we would have been at the point that we needed to be at.”

“This dating lark is far too confusing!”

I grinned at her, “don’t ever change, will you?”

“I’m pregnant, change is kind of a given. I shall go from what you see before you to the same but with the addition of a stomach that makes me look like I’ve swallowed a beach ball.”

“And I will still love you then.”

“I shall remind you of that statement when I am irritating you because I can’t get comfortable, can’t sleep, have chronic indigestion, heartburn, temper tantrums and a whole host of other trivial afflictions designed to cause maximum annoyance to my partner!”

“It won’t change a thing.”

She quirked an eyebrow at me, “really?”

“Really. I can’t wait to experience this with you. I will be there each and every step of the way. I will support you, help you, do everything that I can to make this as easy as possible for you.”

“You’ll come to all the classes with me? To my midwife appointments? To my scans?”

“I will be there for everything Barbara. If it clashes with something at work I will be with you. You and the tadpole are the only things that matters.”

She buried her face in my chest, her hot tears scalding my flesh. I caressed her back with long, soothing strokes. I had been expecting tears after she left the Met, and after our lunch with Winston and Stuart, it was a lot of emotional stress to cope with. She had been trying so hard to keep a brave face on things, just like she always did. I hoped that the counselling would help her learn to deal with her emotions more healthily, and perhaps she would be able to help me with that too…


	7. Chapter 7

…It was Tommy’s last day at work when I received the phone call from Dr Pennington that I had been waiting for. I managed to keep myself together as he told me that all my tests were clear, muttering thank you before putting the phone down and crying tears of relief. Once I felt better I headed upstairs to the bedroom. I had a plan and I needed time to put it into action…

…My twenty-eight days were finally up. As I drove away from the Met for the last time I felt… content. Something that had been a part of my life for such a very long time now didn’t seem as important. It had been where I had met Barbara, the woman who had turned out to be my everything. When things in my personal life had been going to hell, working with Barbara had been my sanctuary. Now I was building a life with her and our child, and I had a love that I had always hoped for but never dreamed that I would find.

Barbara had started her counselling. It hadn’t been easy, she had had to confront of a lot of things that she had kept locked away deep inside of her, something that she had initially fought against doing because it hadn’t been her way for so long. She had railed against some of the things she had been asked to face, but had eventually realised that she needed to to move forward with her life.

We had put her flat on the market, but it had yet to sell. Everything that she wanted to bring with her had been moved into the townhouse, the rest had been sold or was being left in the flat. 

It was so nice having someone to come home to. Although I had had that when I had been married to Helen, this was completely different, in fact it was off the scale. Coming home to Barbara was like being wrapped in a blanket. The house looked lived in; it was now a home full of love and warmth.

As promised, I had attended all the maternity appointments that she had had. The next milestone was the twelve-week scan which we were both looking forward to with nervous apprehension. It would be the first time that we got to see our baby and check that things were progressing nicely.

Forty minutes later I was walking through the door.

“Barbara, I’m home.”

“I’m upstairs Tommy.”

“Can I do anything to help?”

“If you’ve got a couple of minutes.”

I hurried up the stairs and into the bedroom to find Barbara tucked up in bed.

“What’s going on Barbara? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, how was your last day?”

I sat down next to her, “it was fine. Why are you in bed?”

“Well, now that’s a loaded question. You see, there are many different reasons why someone might be in bed; they could be ill, they could be tired, they could be lazy, or they could be waiting for the man they have been in love with for over ten years to come home so that they can welcome him in a way that only they can. Which of these do you think it is?”

My heart was racing, what had been panic was now anticipation. “Umm, the last option?”

“Don’t look so nervous Tommy, we don’t have to do anything that you’re not ready for.”

I lay down and rolled onto my side so that I could face her. “I love you, and I told you that our relationship would move at your pace. I’m being guided by you, and if you want to welcome me home then I am more than happy to be welcomed.”

While I was talking Barbara had been undoing the buttons on my shirt, her fingers brushing against my skin as she did so.

“That’s good to know. Get your kit off, you’ve pulled.”

“You have such a refined way of putting things.”

“I know, it’s one of my many charms. Less talk, more action. Get yourself naked and into this bed now!”

I did as I was told and slid under the covers next to her. She pulled me close, tangling her fingers in my hair and kissing me deeply.

“Remember Barbara, this moves at your pace and your pace only.”

“I know, and thank you…”

…Tommy cradled me in his arms as I traced circles on his chest.

“Was I good?”

He kissed the top of my head, his finger running up and down my shoulder blade. “You were better than good. I don’t know how to put into words what it felt like to make love with you.”

“I was scared. I thought that you were going to be repulsed by me, or that I would freeze. I wanted this so badly, I wanted you so badly, but I was worried that everything that could go wrong would go wrong.”

“It didn’t. It was the most amazing experience of my life.”

“I know I sound needy, but I just want to be sure.”

“You honestly don’t need to worry. Making love with you, it was like you reached inside me and soothed my wounded soul. The way we connected, the way your mind and mine united, I’ve never experienced that before. It is what I have been searching for all my life, and I have finally found it. In your arms I am finally home. I hope that it was the same for you.”

“I’ve never had an experience like the one I just shared with you. I didn’t know that love could be like this, that making love could be more than a physical action. Before what happened, I thought that it was just sex, and that it was something that was done to you. On the two occasions it previously occurred, I never enjoyed it and I never got anything from it. With you it was a healing experience.”

“I am glad that it was as good for you as it was for me. That’s what people hope for; to meet the person that they connect with on so many different levels. With you, I’ve found that.”

“I’ve found that with you too…”

…”I’ve been thinking Tommy.”

“That sounds ominous, should I be worried?”

“No, not worried.”

“So, what have you been thinking about?”

“We need to tell your family that we’re together, and that we’ve left the Met and are having a baby. Your mother is going to be furious if we leave it much longer.”

“I don’t really care if Mother is furious or not. This is our life, she has no say in it.”

“Tommy.” There was a warning note in my voice.

“I know, I know, but there is history there.”

“And history is the past. I have history, and if I let my history affect me today then you and I wouldn’t be in a relationship. I know bits of what happened to you, but not all of the story because Helen told me it was none of my business…”

“She did WHAT?”

“It doesn’t matter, again that is in the past. What I am trying to say is, whatever happened with your mum, you can’t change it, but you can move on from it. Your family are the only family we have, and I want our child to get to know them. I want them to be part of our lives.”

“It might not be that easy.”

“Nothing worth having ever is, look at you and I.”

“Okay, okay, I get your point.”

“I’m not trying to back you into a corner, but I would like you to think about what I’ve said. The longer we leave things the more difficult they are going to become.”

“I’ll call her, tell her that we are coming down and that we would like to talk to all the family.”

“That will worry her. Why don’t you say that we have some good news that we would like to share with them all, and that we would really like it if we could all get together for a few days.”

“Peter is not going to be too willing.”

“I thought that things were improving between the two of you.”

“They are, but we still have the knack for rubbing each other up the wrong way.”

“You know what to look out for, so you will know what to avoid. I will be there for you, I will be right by your side, holding your hand. I would think that your family will be pleased that you have finally found what you have been looking for.”

“We’ll see…”

…I sat in the waiting room holding Barbara’s hand. She squeezed mine gently, making me turn and look at her.

“You okay?”

I nodded, “yes, I’m just excited.”

She smiled at me warmly, “so am I. Seeing the baby on the screen, this is going to make everything more real.”

“It will make the kneeling on the bathroom floor worthwhile.”

“The doctor swears that it will get better now that you are through the first trimester.”

“If it doesn’t I am going to go and picket his consulting room.”

“I would pay good money to watch that.”

“I’d expect you to be holding a placard by my side.”

“Aaah, okay.”

“You wouldn’t leave me all on my own on the picket line, would you?”

“No, I’d be by your side, that is the only place I ever want to be.”

Any further conversation regarding industrial action was halted by our names being called…

…”Say something Barbara.”

“I don’t know what to say. I never expected to hear them say that.”

“How do you feel?”

“A little shell-shocked, but it does explain quite a lot.”

“Like what?”

“My clothes feeling tight early on for one thing. Having two baby frogs developing would take up more room than one tadpole.”

“Are you worried about having twins?”

“Not really, I mean, yes, it is going to be a lot of work, but I have you by my side to help me, so we will be fine.”

“Of course I will help you, and we can always have help at home if we need it.”

“I’d rather not have anyone look after our children, but we could always keep on your housekeeper and maybe increase her hours.”

“We have a long way to go before we need to make any decisions, but we can look at the options and discuss what would work for us.”

“Agreed…”

…”How on earth did you manage to convince me to do this?”

“I didn’t think that I had. We talked about it and came to the decision together.”

“There’s going to be a lot of questions.”

“We talked about that too. It sounds as if you don’t want to admit to your mum that we are in a relationship.”

I pulled the car to the side of the road and switched off the engine.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because you don’t seem that enthusiastic. I told you that I was worried about embarrassing your family and you said that it didn’t matter.”

“Oh Barbara, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and my family. I am scared that they are going to put you through hell and I won’t be able to do anything to stop it.”

“Tommy, after what I have been through, do you seriously think that your family could even come close to hell. I love that you want to protect me, and you do, but you don’t need to protect me from you family. I’m used to dealing with difficult family members, you know that, you met my mum and dad, if I can handle them then I can handle your family too. Please don’t keep worrying about me.”

“But you shouldn’t have to handle them or deal with them.”

“Why? Because they’re your family? I will handle them and deal with them because I love you and we’re in a relationship, which means that I am in a relationship with them too, to a degree. This is what being in love means to me, it means that I support you, I work with you, I help you, I am there for you through the good times and the bad. It’s always been like that for us, and it works. You need to stop worrying that your family is going to scare me off or run me out of town because they’re not. I have been by your side for over ten years, I’m not going anywhere.”

“When I told Helen the story of what happened when I was seventeen she accused me of being a tortured adolescent.”

“No offence meant, but Helen was wrong. Things that happen to you when you are young do have an impact on you as an adult. If you don’t deal with the fall-out then they leave a lasting impression that can affect your relationships. You were hurt badly, and that seventeen year old boy is still hurting. I am here for you, and I will always be here for you. We are a team, and we are bloody invincible.”

“You are definitely my lioness, aren’t you?”

“I am. Now, start this car and get us to Howenstow. And while you do, stop worrying. It is you and me against the world as it always has been.”

“Yes Ma’am…”

…I could see that Tommy was still nervous, but I had meant everything that I had said. Yes, I had been worried about embarrassing him and his family, but I wasn’t worried about any questions that they might have about our relationship. I had been, but that had been just after the attack and my emotions were all over the place; even though I had only recently started it, counselling had helped me sort that out and I was feeling much stronger. 

It had been a shock to discover that we were expecting twins, but we had also got our heads around that. After everything else that we had been through over the recent months, telling his family that we were a couple and that we were going to have two children was a walk in the park.

“Do you want to stop for lunch and a toilet break?”

I shook my head, “We’re not that far now. I am sure that I can cross my legs and think of England until we get there.”

“I’ll find somewhere to stop so that you can have a comfort break and stretch your legs, otherwise you’ll be looking for a spot to have a wildy.”

“It’s nice to see that you have so little faith in my bladder control.”

“It’s got nothing to do with your bladder control and everything to do with the fact that you have got two little tadpoles doing the junior version of Riverdance on it!”

I cracked up, tears of laughter rolling down my face. “Now you will have to find somewhere for us to stop. You’re a very wicked man Tommy Lynley.”

“But you love me?”

“More than life itself…”

…”Tommy darling, and Barbara, it is so nice of you to come down for a visit.”

“Hello Lady Asherton.”

“Please call me Daze.”

Tommy kissed his mum on both cheeks, and then she hugged me.

“Would you like to come through to the family room for a cup of tea?”

“I think we’ll get settled upstairs first, maybe freshen up a little bit, we have been travelling since quite early this morning.”

“Are Peter and Judith here?”

“Not yet, although they will both be here for supper this evening.”

“We’ll get settled and then come and join you.”

“Would you like tea or coffee Barbara?”

“I’m sticking to water thank you Daze. I’ve been having headaches and the doctor says it is down to too much caffeine or possibly dehydration, so I am drinking water like a fish and it seems to be working.”

“Okay, come down when you are both ready. I’ve given Barbara the room next to yours Tommy.”

“Thank you, Mother.”

Tommy put the bags down at the foot of the bed and then flopped down onto it. I lay down next to him.

“Headaches?”

“I thought it was a good enough excuse. We can tell the family about the babies tonight when we are all together instead of playing Chinese whispers now.”

“Mother is going to notice that you aren’t using your room.”

“Let her notice. As I said to you on the journey, I can handle your family. Now, you said something about freshening up. I have a sudden urge for a rather long shower, do you care to join me?”

“And you had the cheek to say that I was the wicked one in this relationship.”

“What can I say, you corrupted me.”

“I did what?”

“Corrupted me. I was as pure as the driven snow before I met you.”

“You were never pure as the driven snow, unless that snow happened to have blown in from a coal heap somewhere.”

I rolled onto my side, grabbing hold of Tommy’s shirt and then pulling him on top of me as I moved back onto my back.

“Let me show you how pure I am.”

“I thought you wanted a long hot shower?”

“We can have that too. I have plenty of desires that only you can sate.”

“Then let me get sating…”

…It was a good couple of hours before we finally made it downstairs. After making love on the bed we had moved to the bathroom and enjoyed each other in the shower until the water began to run cold.

I couldn’t help but compare the differences between this visit with Barbara and the one I had made with Helen for our engagement party. I felt happy, loved, and I had absolutely no doubts about our relationship. Barbara brought out a side of me that I had thought was long dead and buried.

I sat down on the couch in the family room, Barbara curled up next to me and then nestled into my side. I saw the surprised expression on Mother’s face, but I didn’t care. If Barbara felt confident enough for public displays of affection, then I wasn’t going to refuse her.

“Did you have a good rest?”

“Yes, thank you Daze.”

“Do you two have something that you want to tell me?”

“Barbara and I are a couple and have been for nearly nine months.”

“We decided to stop fighting each other and our feelings for each other, and we’ve never been happier.”

“There is more to tell, but we want to tell the whole family in one go so, if you don’t mind, we will share our news tonight at supper.”

“It is good news though, so please don’t fret about us.”

I waited for Mother to say something. And waited. And waited.

“Am I to interpret your silence as an expression of disapproval on my choice of partner?”

Mother shook her head, “no Tommy, no. I am overwhelmed. I always thought that you and Barbara belonged together, but I never said anything because I know how you see me and I thought you might never make a move just because I said that you should.”

“I’d like to think that I wouldn’t be that contrary.”

Barbara turned her face to my chest and I could feel her shaking. I looked down at her in concern, only to discover that she was trying desperately not to laugh out loud.

“Is something amusing you my love?”

“Your statement. I do love you Tommy, but you can be the most contrary man on the planet.”

“Can I?” I tried to sound wounded, but I was actually amused and relieved that she felt relaxed enough to have a laugh and a joke with me.

“Yes you can Tommy dear, and I am pleased to see that Barbara has the measure of you.”

“After being partners for over ten years I should hope that I have. Your son is very much like you, which is probably why you manage to rub each other up the wrong way quite so spectacularly.”

“It looks like Barbara has the measure of me too Tommy.”

“I don’t mean any offense Daze, but I feel I must be honest. When my brother died my parents fell to pieces. They shut me out and became lost in their own insular worlds. We never managed to repair things before they died, and it is one of my biggest regrets. I don’t want that for Tommy. He and I are serious about our relationship, and I would like to be able to call you, Peter, Judith and Stephanie my family. Bridges need to be rebuilt and family rifts healed. I will do everything I can to help, but I hope that us getting together can be seen as a first step on that journey.”

“You’ve picked a very wise woman Tommy.”

My lips tenderly brushed Barbara’s forehead, “I know…”

…Supper with the Lynleys was not something I was particularly looking forward to. I had eaten with them before, but I had never been the centre of attention. While my sickness was pretty much under control, there were still occasions when it would hit me without any warning. I hoped that tonight wouldn’t be one of those occasions.

“What’s on your mind Barbara?”

“You’re going to think I’m weird.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Sickness, that’s what’s on my mind. It would be just my luck for one of my not very regular now but still happening bouts of pregnancy sickness to strike me tonight, especially when I am stressed and nervous.”

“If it happens Barbara then it happens. It’s not anything to be embarrassed about.”

“Says the man who doesn’t have to run from the room to the nearest toilet. Talking of that, where is the nearest toilet to where we are dining?”

“We’ll be eating in the family room; the nearest toilet is the one just off the kitchen.”

“Just off the kitchen, right, you may need to point me in the right direction, I am still trying to get my bearings in the behemoth that is Howenstow.”

“I’ll show you when we go downstairs. Try and relax Barbara, I will be with you and I will take care of you.”

“I know, thank you. Did you remember to tell your mum that I am on a special diet, and by special I mean boring.”

Tommy laughed, “I bypassed mother and spoke to Nancy directly.”

“I’m sorry for being so difficult. I could just risk…”

“Stop worrying Barbara. After what you went through in the first three months I can understand why you are concerned about venturing into unknown territory and having something that could possibly upset the tadpoles.”

“I just have a fear of needing to be sick and not being able to make it to a toilet. It’s stupid but it really worries me.”

“It’s not stupid, and as I said, I understand. I am doing everything that I can to make things easy for you and I will continue to do so. You just need to ask.”

“Thanks for understanding Tommy.”

“My pleasure. Are you ready to come downstairs with me and share our good news with the family?”

I nodded. “To be honest I am surprised that your mum didn’t notice my expanding waistline.”

“I never thought I would say this, but your baggy clothing has its uses, although I much prefer it when you have nothing on.”

“Tommy Lynley! How am I going to sit and have supper with your family with you saying things like that and putting ideas in my head?”

“It’ll give you something to look forward to.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Tommy held out his hand to me, “shall we make a move?”

“Yep…”

…As we walked into the family room Barbara’s grip on my hand tightened.

“Evening everyone.”

We were welcomed with hugs and kisses, even from Peter. I saw Barbara begin to relax, but I didn’t forget my promise to her.  
“Barbara and I just need to pop to the kitchen for a second, but we will be back.”

As we left the room I saw mother’s eyebrows raise but chose to ignore the unasked question; they would all know soon enough.

I led Barbara through to the toilet, making sure she was confident that she could find it in a hurry if she needed to. I felt her squeeze my hand again.

“Feeling a little reassured?”

She nodded.

“Then let’s go back and tell them all our news.”

Nodding again, she let me lead her back to join the rest of the family. 

As we entered the room the conversation trailed off into silence. Barbara looked at me nervously.

“Well, this isn’t at all embarrassing.”

I smiled warmly at her, helping her into a seat and then standing behind her with my hands on her shoulders.

“Barbara and I have some good news to share with you, and we hope that you will all be as happy as we are.”

She reached up and covered one of my hands with one of hers.

“We have recently discovered that we are going to be parents. Barbara is nearly four months pregnant with twins.”

Mother was the first to react.

“Oh, what wonderful news. I am so happy for both of you.”

Peter was the next. He crossed the room to where Barbara was sitting, bent down and then kissed her on the cheek. He then shook my hand.

“Congratulations both of you, I look forward to being the wayward uncle.”

“You’re not so wayward anymore Peter, but if you wish to have that title then I shall be the wayward auntie. Congratulations Barbara and Tommy, you will be brilliant parents.”

Barbara looked up at me and smiled, and I could see that her eyes were filled with unshed tears. I beamed back at her, so pleased that her fears had been unfounded. This was a calm before the storm, and we would welcome it.

Supper was a cheerful affair. As expected, the family asked us lots of questions, but Barbara fielded them with spectacular aplomb, and I couldn’t have been prouder.

After three hours we made our excuses and headed up for bed. Barbara hadn’t needed to make any mad dashes to the toilet, which I thought had done her confidence just as much good as her pregnancy being accepted universally by my family had done.

I closed the bedroom door while Barbara kicked off her shoes and flopped down on the bed. I stalked across the room and leant over her, hungrily searching for her mouth with mine. When we had to break for air I lay down next to her.

“Now, unless my pregnancy brain is failing me, didn’t you mention something about enjoying me being naked?”

I stroked my chin thoughtfully, “I believe I mentioned something along those lines.”

“Do you need me to refresh your memory?”

“You could, or I could just take a leaf out of your book and utter the words ‘get your kit off’.”

“You know, for an aristocrat you have such a refined grasp of the English language.”

“Would one care to disrobe so that we can partake of the sins of the flesh?”

Barbara laughed so hard that she had tears streaming down her face, and was holding her stomach.

“Stop,” she wheezed, “I beg you, please stop.”

I pretended to be offended by her laughter, but couldn’t keep up the pretence for long and joined her in laughter.

“I’m glad I listened to you Barbara. You were right to tell me that I needed to start repairing things with my family.”

“I can be right occasionally, very occasionally, but right all the same.”

“You’re always right.”

“I shall remember you said that.”

I rolled onto my side, propping myself up on one elbow so that I could look at her.

“You don’t need to remember it, I shall remind you, and often. You are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me, and I will never take you for granted. I love you far more than I can ever put into words.”

She stroked my face before tugging me down so that she could kiss me.

“I love you just as much. Make love to me Tommy, I want to feel you moving deep inside me.”

“I want to be deep inside you, when I am with you, when we are making love, it is when I feel complete.”

We slowly undressed each other, kissing and caressing as we did so. I slipped inside her, holding my breath as the intense feelings washed over me.

“God Barbara, you feel so good.”

She arched against me, her arms sliding around my neck, her lips searching for mine. I met them with intensity before moving my way down her neck, gently biting where it met her shoulder, causing her to move even closer to me, her muscles clamping down on me as I thrust into her honeyed depths…

…I rolled off her and slumped back onto the bed. She curled up against me, her head resting on my chest, her arm holding me securely.

“That never gets old.”

“You have such a charming way of phrasing things Barbara.”

“I know, and I have you to thank for broadening my vocabulary.”

I nuzzled my face in her hair, “I am more than happy to accept your gratitude as payment in kind, or as payment for you teaching me the most used phrase in our relationship, ‘get your kit off’.”

She laughed, “I think we both need some recovery time before any further payment is made.”

“Yes, that would probably be a good idea, we don’t want to fade away to nothingness.”

“No, we don’t, there will be plenty of that when we are trying to survive on very little sleep while taking care of twins.”

She groaned and buried her face in my armpit, “don’t remind me. I’m terrified that I will be a crap mother.”

“You won’t be Barbara, you have always had a special way with children. If anyone is going to cock up with the tadpoles it is going to be me.”

“You won’t either. You are going to be a great dad. I guess everyone has wobbles about becoming parents, and we are getting a ready-made family in one fell swoop. It is a little bit daunting.”

“We will find our way together.”

“Yeah, we will. Thank you for being there for me Tommy. Everything you are doing, it is above and beyond.”

“Says the woman who risked her career for me twice. I am not doing anything that I don’t want to do Barbara. I want to be with you because I love you. I want to help raise the tadpoles because I love you and I love them. I want to spend the rest of my life looking after you and our family.”

“Not many men would do what you are, that makes you pretty damn special in my book.”

“You’re going to make me incredibly big headed.”

“That would be the case if I was trying to flatter you or bolster your ego, which I am not. I am telling the truth and I mean each and every word of what I am saying.”

“You and I have always told each other the truth, even when the truth isn’t particularly what we want to hear.”

“We have, which is why you need to believe what I am saying.”

“And which is why you need to believe me too…”


	8. Chapter 8

…My pregnancy was progressing nicely, although carrying twins was making me expand at a rapid rate. I had completely forgotten what my feet looked like, which was why I was lucky to have Tommy on hand to give me foot massages. He was becoming expert at back massages, something else that I was eternally grateful for.

My flat had sold, and I had given the money to Tommy. It didn’t seem fair that I was living in his house for free, and in the not too distant future there would be two additional people living under his roof. He hadn’t been keen, saying that he didn’t need the money, but I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable not contributing anything. In the end we agreed that he would accept the money and put it into a trust for the children. It was a compromise that I wasn’t particularly happy about, but I didn’t want to fight with him and so accepted it.

I was still attending my counselling, and I was finding it really beneficial. My counsellor had warned me that I might find it difficult to bond with the children when they were born, and that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself if I did. I hoped that she was wrong, but the fear was gnawing away at me all the same.

Today’s counselling session had been particularly hard. She had told me that I needed to face up to what had happened that night in order to properly move on from it. I had never told anyone what had happened in detail, preferring to keep things in the abstract, but she wouldn’t let me get away with that. She explained that, for as long as I kept the details of that night locked away in side of me they would fester and burn away at me. There was also the chance that one day they might come back to haunt me, and my post-traumatic stress disorder could raise its head again, and a very inopportune moment.

Saying the words had been hard for me, really hard. Things that I had done my best to bury had needed to be exhumed and pushed out into the light.

I had hated every minute of it.

_‘It had been a very busy few days at work. I had hardly spent any time at home, returning there briefly to shower and change before heading back to the office for another long day._

_We had finally wrapped up the case. Tommy had invited me to the pub, but I had refused. I needed to try and catch up on things at home, especially as we only had a few hours off before we were rostered on again._

_I had dashed home, put a load in the washing machine and then made a shopping list. I had absolutely nothing in, not that I did any cooking, but I didn’t have any milk for coffee, bread for toast, or even a ready meal to throw into the microwave. While the washing took care of itself I grabbed my coat and bag and headed off to the late-night supermarket._

_The car park was virtually empty. I parked the car under a light and then made my way towards the store. I hadn’t gone more than a few paces before someone grabbed hold of me. One of his hands went into my hair, the other covered my mouth._

_He dragged me backwards, my limbs flailing as I lost my balance, my heels dragging along the ground. I tried to fight, I learnt Aikido to defend myself after I was held hostage, but it was a futile exercise. He was taller than me, stronger too, and incredibly determined._

_He kicked his legs from under me and that knocked me to the ground. The hand that had been in my hair now moved to undo my jeans and push them down my legs. It hurt as he pushed himself inside of me, and I decided the best thing to do was let him get on with things, to survive._

_I didn’t look at him because I didn’t want to know what he looked like. I didn’t want his face to be haunting my dreams. I forced my head to the side, the top of it kept hitting the kerb as he used and abused me. I stared at the rubbish lying next to me, feeling just like it, something that was there to serve a purpose and then to be cast aside as it was no longer of any practical use._

_When he was done with me, he clambered off me, tidied himself up, and then walked away without a second glance. I didn’t dare move. I was dazed, but I also wanted to be sure that he was really gone. It would have been just my luck if he had come back for round two. When he didn’t, I forced myself to get up and dressed, and then headed for home._

_I sat in the shower until the water ran cold, and during that time I had scrubbed myself almost raw. I remember being annoyed that there wasn’t any bleach, it had been on the list of things I had been meaning to purchase. I wanted to bleach him off of me and out of me, but I couldn’t so I did the best that I could to remove every trace of him._

_I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t. I just got dressed and waited outside for Tommy to come and collect me for work the next day. We were driving to Oxford to assist the Thames Valley force with a case, and there was no way that I could let him down without telling him what had happened. I couldn’t do that because then he would hate me._

_I couldn’t have him look at me differently. I couldn’t have him hate me. Tommy was the only family that I had, and if I lost him it would kill me._

_I also couldn’t tell him because he would try to fix things, it was what he did, how he worked. He would want to kill the person that hurt me, and he would want to throw money at the problem to make it go away. He once painted my parents’ house so that I could sell it and buy my own flat. I was so angry with him for doing that, but came to understand that it was just because he cared._

_He knew that there was something wrong with me, I could see it in his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice. He wanted to help me, but he didn’t know how, and I wouldn’t let him in. I ended up snapping at him, and I hated myself for it because it wasn’t his fault, but it was taking everything I had just to hold myself together._

_Tommy had invited me to join him for dinner and, although I didn’t have much of an appetite, I joined him and pushed my food around the plate as it was preferable to being alone. Tommy grounds me. When I am with him I feel safe, it’s the only way to describe it. I’ve felt that way about him since I was shot, and it has never changed._

_When we are seconded to another force we get accommodation provided, in a pub or a hotel or something similar. On this occasion we were in a small hotel. Our rooms were next to each other, and I spent the whole night sitting up with every light on, terrified of what might happen if I turned the lights off._

_The next morning, I opened the door to Tommy and he was horrified. The bruises from being held across the mouth hadn’t been visible the day before, but they were by then. I fed him a lie, told him that the hatchback boot of my car had caught me when I was closing it, but I knew that he didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed me, hatchback boots do not have fingers, and the bruises that had developed where obviously that._

_He stuck to me like glue, not letting me out of his sight for a second, and his behaviour comforted me. But all too soon we were heading back to London._

_He invited me to come to his house for dinner. I made loads of excuses as to why I couldn’t, but he won me round. The closer to night it got the worse my anxiety became. In the end I had a panic attack and I couldn’t breathe. He had to take me out into his garden just so that I could get some air into my lungs. We argued again; him wanting me to tell him the truth about what was going on with me and me not wanting to say the words because I was convinced it would destroy what we had together._

_Somehow, he managed to get me to agree to stay and eat, and then to stay the night. He promised not to push me because he was scared of destroying our friendship, but then I went and had a shower and left the en-suite bathroom door open._

_Tommy was checking on me, he wanted to make sure that I was okay and that I had everything I needed. He didn’t hear my response, and so came to the door. He saw my scrapes, cuts and bruises reflected in the bathroom mirror and demanded an explanation._

_I told him that I was mugged._

_We ended up arguing again, and I shut the door in his face. I hated myself for it afterwards, and I went to his room to apologise. We talked about my mythical mugging, and he told me that I should have let my attacker have whatever they wanted because material possessions were replaceable, but my life was not. He wanted to know why I hadn’t reported it, and I told him it was because I didn’t know anything about my attacker, and as they hadn’t got away with anything I didn’t see the point._

_A pretty poor thing for a police officer to say._

_After that things went back to normal, or as normal as they could. I did my best to put my attack to the back of my mind, got on with my work and pretended that nothing that had ever happened to me. I was almost successful, until one day I had been to the pub with Tommy for dinner and a pint._

_I had felt a bit off for a couple of hours, but hadn’t really thought all that much about it. Tommy dropped me home, and it was as I walked through the door I realised that I was going to be sick. I rushed to the bathroom, and spent the next twenty minutes hugging the toilet while kneeling on the floor._

_When I eventually felt well enough, I went and got ready for bed. I was just dropping off to sleep when a thought hit me. I grabbed hold of my mobile phone, looked at the period tracking app that I used, and there in black and white were the statistics to back up the thing that I feared._

_I hurriedly got dressed and drove to the late-night pharmacy; snatching hold of the first pregnancy testing kit I saw and rushing home again. I managed to wait until four in the morning before doing the test._

_It was, as I feared, positive._

_I spent the rest of the morning trying to work out what to do. I decided that I wouldn’t have an abortion, that I couldn’t have one because the conception wasn’t the child’s fault. However, deciding to keep the baby meant a whole host of other problems raised their ugly heads._

_I couldn’t stay where I was, because I would have to tell the ACC about my pregnancy and be put on light duties, which would mean that Tommy would discover that I had lied to him. I could decide not to tell the ACC and keep my pregnancy hidden, but then I would be putting my child at risk. I went round and round in circles trying to decide what to do for the best, and all I managed to do was confuse myself completely._

_Before I knew it, it was morning, and Tommy was at the door to collect me. I told him to make himself a drink while I finished getting ready. He went to wait in the lounge, and found the discarded list I had made when trying to make sense of the chaos in my head._

_We talked. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted us to build a life together, and that he would help me raise the baby. Our talk became an argument. I didn’t think he was serious, but it turned out that he was. In the end he managed to convince me, and I admitted my love for him too._

_The next day we went to see the ACC together, and we told him that we had were in a relationship and that we were having a baby. At first, we thought he was angry with us, but then he told us that he had always thought that we would end up together and wished us all the best._

_Tommy arranged for me to go and see his doctor. He offered to go with me, but I politely declined, needing to go on my own because there were things that I wanted to discuss without him present. If we were going to have a relationship, if we were going to build a life together, I needed to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV because my attacker hadn’t used a condom and I knew nothing about his sexual past. I wasn’t ready to enter a physical relationship with Tommy, but when I was I wanted to be sure that I didn’t put him at any risk._

_It was one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life. Well, one of the most unpleasant experiences I had undertaken out of choice anyway._

_I had to have a full examination, and that included an internal one. The doctor had a chaperone accompany us, but I still cried all the way through it. And then there was the waiting. I had read all the literature I could lay my hands on, and I knew that there was no way for me to pass any infection on to Tommy if we weren’t intimate, but that didn’t remove the anxiety that waiting was causing me._

_I still haven’t told Tommy the fears that I kept locked away inside of me during that time. I can’t. There are some things that even now I can’t share with him, and yet I trust him with my life._

_When I got the all clear the relief was indescribable. I had been psyching myself up for it to be bad news; when the doctor called I cried for a solid hour._

_That night was the first night I slept with Tommy._

_After that Tommy and I settled into a routine. It was good, I felt secure and happy._

_And then I had my twelve week scan, and found out that we were expecting twins._

_It was one hell of a shock to my system, but Tommy was calm and together, reassuring me that he would be by my side whatever happened, and that I didn’t have to face this alone…_

…”You’re very quiet tonight Barbara.”

“Sorry, I had a rather intense counselling session today, it’s taken a lot out of me.”

Tommy moved to sit next to me on the couch, lifting my feet onto his lap and discarding my slippers before starting to massage one of my feet.

“Damn, that’s good.”

“Just relax and let me take care of you.”

“You keep that up and I will do anything you ask.”

He smiled at me wickedly, transferring his attention to my other foot. “Anything?”

“Absolutely anything.”

“That’s good to know.”

I rested my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes, enjoying the soothing foot massage immensely.

“You are very good at this massage lark, are you sure you haven’t been taking evening classes?”

“I’m definitely sure that I haven’t. Why would I go somewhere without you?”

I nudged him with my foot, “you’re a big softy, you do know that.”

“Only where you are concerned, or at least until the children are born, and then I will be a big softy with them too.”

“Are you going to be one of those dads who lets the little ones wrap him around their little fingers?”

He nodded, “I was planning to be exactly that type of dad.”

“God help me.”

“No, I will also do that. I am really excited about becoming a dad, but I’m even more excited about building a life with you. This is all I have ever wanted; you, me, the kids, perhaps a dog or two, splitting our time between here and Howenstow.”

“I never saw this coming. I mean, I hoped that one day you might recognise me as a woman and not just as your partner and friend, but I was pretty much resigned to my hopes never becoming a reality.”

“So, you have been in love with me for as long as I have been in love with you?”

“Yep, pretty much. Hence the lying naked on the Bristol comment I made to you a while back.”

He sighed, “I will always regret missing that particular opportunity.”

“I would offer to fulfil that particular fantasy next time we are down at Howenstow, the only problem is, with the weight I am carrying you will need a new bonnet for the Bristol; and if correcting that scratch you got at the caravan park was expensive, well I hate to think how much a new bonnet would cost.”

“It would definitely be worth the expense.”

“Perhaps you could wait until I have given birth, got rid of the beachball I appear to have swallowed and stopped marinating myself in body butter to try and win the battle of the stretch marks.”

“You’re beautiful.”

“You’re biased.”

“No, I’m honest and you are beautiful.”

“I’m a beached whale who is due to give birth to two tadpoles in less than a month.”

“Okay, you are a beautiful beached whale who is due to give birth to two tadpoles in less than a month. Whatever objection to being beautiful you throw up I will have a counter argument.”

“You won’t think I’m beautiful when I am sweaty, swearing and in pain.”

“I will, because I’ve always believed that women are the superior sex.”

“Why?”

“Because you deal with so much more than men do. Periods, pregnancy, childbirth, can you see a man coping with any of those things?”

“No, probably not, but I would pay good money to watch them try.”

“I do love you Barbara Havers...”

…I rolled over to hug Barbara and found an empty space in the bed where her warm body should have been. 

Confused, I sat up and turned on the bedside light, looking around the room. It was empty.

I slid out of bed, tugging on my boxer shorts. I checked the en-suite; that was empty too. Worry began to gnaw away at me.

I walked out onto the landing, turning on the lights and checking every room as I went, but there was no sign of Barbara.

Making my way downstairs, I saw a light under the kitchen door. I opened it and stopped dead. Barbara was leaning over the kitchen counter and breathing heavily. I hurried to her side.

“What’s going on Barbara? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Didn’t want to. Was trying not to disturb you.”

“Are you in labour?”

She nodded, “think so. Woke up with backache, which is steadily getting worse. My waters haven’t broken yet which is why I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“That doesn’t matter now Barbara. Have you had any contractions?”

“I’m not sure, I’m in so much pain I’m not sure where it’s coming from.”

“I’m going to go and get dressed, retrieve your bag and then I am taking you to hospital.”

“Can you grab my robe and a pair of tracksuit bottoms?”

“No worries.” I kissed her forehead, “I won’t be long.”

I ran upstairs and pulled on my trousers and a jumper, grabbed hold of Barbara’s bag, her robe and her tracksuit bottoms, and then hurried back downstairs again. Entering the kitchen, I found Barbara trying to clear up a puddle on the floor.

Moving to her side, I helped her stand. “I take it your waters have broken.”

“Yes, I’m sorry Tommy.”

“What on earth for?”

“The mess.”

“It doesn’t matter, the tiles won’t melt. Now, let me help you dress and then we’re off to hospital…”

…Barbara had been doing her best to keep active in between the crippling pain of her contractions. The midwife was happy that things were progressing well, but couldn’t give us any definite timescale as to how long her labour would be.

I did the best that I could to help her and support her, but I felt pretty useless and obsolete.

“What can I do to help you Barbara? Tell me what you need.”

“Right now would be a good time for you to put those massage skills of yours into practice.”

“Of course, which part of you would you like me to pay attention to?”

“My back, my lower back. I think there’s an alien trying to chew its way through it.”

“Find yourself a comfortable position and I will do my best to tame the alien.”

Barbara leant over the birthing ball and then sighed as I stroked my hands firmly across her lower spine. I was glad to be able to do something useful…

…I could tell that Tommy was frustrated, that he hated seeing me in so much pain and not being able to do anything to help me or relieve it. Although he had been to all the birthing classes, I didn’t think he had fully appreciated just how little he would be able to do practically, but I was determined to make him feel as useful as possible.

When he wasn’t massaging my back, I was keeping him busy holding my hand, bathing my forehead, helping me keep track of my breathing and generally being supportive. 

“Oh Christ, here we go again.”

I gripped hold of his hand in an almost death grip. He winced slightly, but to his credit he didn’t utter one word of complaint.

“Now is time to push Barbara.”

“At last! I was beginning to think these two were never coming out!”

“They are, the first one is definitely on the way.”

I pushed hard, gritting my teeth against the pain of the contraction.

“Are you sure they’re coming.”

“Definitely Barbara.”

“Well, could you ask them if they’d mind getting a wriggle on. I’ve had to miss breakfast for this, I don’t intend to miss lunch too!”

Tommy roared with laughter. “I promise you, when this is over, I will buy you the biggest burger and chips that you have ever seen.”

“I’m going to hold you to that…”

…I stood by Barbara’s bed, staring down at the two little girls lying in the hospital cribs, completely awed by them.

“They’re beautiful, just like their mother.”

She came and stood next to me, tiredly leaning her head against my arm. “They are beautiful. What did your mum say?”

“She was thrilled. I told her that once we got settled back at home we would call her and let her know when she could visit.”

“I hope she won’t mind giving us a few days, I want to try and get my strength back and try and find our routine.”

“She won’t.”

Barbara reached out and stroked one of our daughters’ hands. She seemed distracted, and I wondered if it was just tiredness.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes I am.”

“You seem a little preoccupied.”

She took my hand and led me to the bed, sitting down and gesturing for me to sit next to her.

“I’ve been worried, it was something my counsellor said.”

I ran my thumb over her knuckles, “do you want to talk about it?”

“She told me not to be surprised if I found that I couldn’t bond with my children after they were born. I was praying that she would be wrong, and I’m glad to say that she was, or at least I believe she was. I look at our little girls and I can’t help but think what a miracle they are.”

“You could have talked to me about your concerns before now, if you had wanted to. I wouldn’t have judged you.”

“I know you wouldn’t, and I don’t know why I couldn’t say anything. Perhaps I thought it would be tempting fate if I did.”

“You made the decision not to have an abortion, to me that means that you loved our children from the moment you knew of their existence.”

“Yeah, I was just worried that it would be different once they were born. I should have had more faith in myself.”

“You should, but it is also understandable why you were on edge. I’m not going to lie to you, I’m not going to tell you that everything is going to be plain sailing.”

“I wouldn’t believe you if you did. You and I have always had a spiky relationship; we love each other but we have to bicker, we wouldn’t be us if we didn’t.”

“We have got better, we now don’t argue just for the hell of it.”

“Nah, we argue for sport.”

“If arguing were an Olympic sport.”

She barged my shoulder playfully, “we’d be the winning every gold medal available.”

I slid my arm around her, pleased when she nestled against me.

“You and I, we’ve always been a winning team.”

“Much to the disgust of Webberley and other parties who are better not to be named.”

“Webberley had his own agenda.”

“I’m glad he put us together though, because if he hadn’t then we wouldn’t have found each other. Our paths wouldn’t have crossed and that would have been a real shame.”

“Understatement of the year!”

“Oooh, hark you! That was really Acton of you.”

“I keep telling you, you’ve broadened my vocabulary.”

“I’m glad to have served a purpose.”

“You always have. And not just one. You know how much you mean to me, how important you are. It is no understatement to say that if it hadn’t been for you then I wouldn’t still be alive.”

“I’d never let that happen.”

“I know, you are my little lioness.”

“A lioness who gave birth to two tadpoles.”

“Well, no one said we had to be normal…”

…We carried our daughters into the house. It felt a little strange, but in a good way. It was as if I had finally found my place in the world, the place that I belonged.

We settled them in our bedroom and then quietly crept downstairs. I slumped down on the couch and Tommy sat next to me.

“I am so glad to be out of that hospital. I know that it was private, and I am really grateful that you arranged that for us, but it was still a hospital and I have seen enough of them to last me several lifetimes.”

“I know exactly what you mean. It’s good to be home.”

“Have you had any thoughts on names?”

“Do you mean have I managed to come up with a list so that we can have a debate?”

“I don’t want to have a debate, I just want us to come up with two names that won’t make our daughters hate us when they reach school age.”

“So, no Petunias or Agathas.”

“Definitely not! And no Dorothys or Desdemonas.”

“We need to avoid Hillarys and Traceys too.”

“What about Amelia?”

“No, not Amelia. I met an Amelia in the car park of the hospital after Helen and I lost the baby.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“You couldn’t have, no one did.”

“Do you think about the baby?”

“Honestly? Not as much as I used to, but sometimes, yes. I wonder who he would have looked like, what his personality would have been, which parts of Helen and I he would have. Things like that.”

“You can talk about him to me, if you want to that is. I won’t mind.”

“Thanks, I might do, one day, but not now. I don’t want to bring him into this special day.”

“Well, the offer is there, any time.”

He squeezed my hand, “that means a lot. Well, we’re not getting anywhere with names for our two beautiful girls, are we?”

“We don’t have to make a decision now, we have time.”

“Thanks Barbara.”

“No thanks needed. Right, I am off to raid the kitchen before I give into the urge to gnaw off my own arm and cover it in ketchup.”

“I think you’re going to need some help with that, unless that private hospital provided cookery classes as one of its extras.”

“I’ll have you know I am at expert level for microwaves and toasters.”

“Shame we haven’t got anything that will go in either of them.”

“I am also intermediate level for grills, so I could always knock up fishfingers.”

“I think I can do better than that. How about steak, fried tomatoes, mushrooms and chips?”

“You really do know the way to my heart…”

…”I’ve been thinking.”

“Uh-ho,”

“Cheeky!”

“What have you been thinking about?”

“Names for our daughters.”

“And have you come to any conclusions?”

“What do you think of Olivia and Sophia?”

“I quite like them. What made you choose those two?”

“I like them, and as far as I know they don’t have any direct connection to either of us. I mean, there was an Olivia who was an anti-vivisection protester and the daughter of Kenneth Waring’s killer, but other than that.”

“I like them too.”

“You don’t think I am pushing you or trying to take over?

“No Tommy, I don’t. If you like the names and I like the names, does it really matter who came up with them?”

“When you put it like that, it doesn’t. I just didn’t want to control you or oppress you.”

“You aren’t, you never have.”

“Hmmm, do the words duck white ring any bells?”

“That was a long time ago, and we were different people then. I wasn’t used to kindness, it was an alien concept to me, it took a little getting used to, that’s all.”

“And I was used to showing people I cared by throwing my money at them. It surprised me when you didn’t want that. You were the first person I had ever met who didn’t want me for my title and my bank account.”

“Money means nothing to me. I wasn’t interested in what you could do for me, I was interested in you, first of all as my colleague and partner, then as my closest friend, and now as my lover. I would love you if you were title less and penniless. It’s the person that matters.”

“I know, I understand that now, you taught me that, and it was a lesson that I needed to learn. Even Helen liked me because I was of her class.”

“I’m sorry I pushed you two together. I should have kept my nose out of things, your relationship was nothing to do with me.”

“I wasn’t any better. I was jealous that she was in love with Rhys, he was taking her attention away from me and I despised him for it. I also treated you diabolically back then, in fact not just back then, I treated you diabolically repeatedly during our ten plus years together and yet you took it and let me do it. I’ve never really understood why.”

“Because you needed a safe outlet. You needed to let out your emotions and your frustrations, and I was that outlet.”

“But it was wrong of me, you didn’t deserve it, you’ve never deserved it.”

“No, and you never deserved the way that I treated you either.”

“You were my conscience. You were the little voice of reason sitting on my shoulder, not letting me get away with any of the normal rubbish I tried. All my partners before you had been trampled underfoot because I thought I was right and I exerted that right in a very heavy-handed way.”

“You weren’t going to get away with that when I was around. And when you chose not to listen to me…”

“I regretted it not long afterwards. We are so good together Barbara, we always have been, and we always will be.”

“We’re good at negotiating the potholes. Perhaps not avoiding them, but finding our way out if we don’t spot them in time and then fall in.”

“You are actually brilliant at lifting me out of my potholes, dusting me down, and then setting me on the right route again. And most of the time I forgot to say thank you for doing it.”

“Friends don’t need to say thank you, they know that the thanks is there, it doesn’t need verbalisation.”

“People never really understood our partnership, did they? I mean, we are from different walks of life, poles apart, and yet we have something that most people can’t even begin to dream of. I look at you and it is as if I can read your mind. Your eyes meet mine and they can say a thousand different things, all of which I understand perfectly.”

“We developed some kind of mental shorthand. Remember Fiona Knight calling us a double act? She was right, we always have been, right from our first case in Yorkshire.”

“I remember you standing up for me with Nies. You shocked the hell out of me, the way you told him that you and I had slept together.”

“I wasn’t going to let him, or you, destroy my career, and I kind of liked you.”

“Even though I was an arrogant ponce.”

“You couldn’t help that, I hadn’t had a chance to work my magic on you at that point.”

“Oh, so that’s what it is? You’ve been casting little spells on me to make me bend to your will?”

She nodded, “but of course, I’m surprised you didn’t notice before now.”

“The only spell you cast on me was bewitchment. You managed to make a home for yourself in my heart and there was nothing I could do about it, even if I had wanted to, which I didn’t.”

“You do say the sweetest things.”

“And I mean each and every one…”


	9. Chapter 9

…Tommy brought the Range Rover to a standstill outside Howenstow. The twins had slept for most of the journey, which had been a blessing as I was sure the moment the rest of the family got to see them there wouldn’t be a chance of putting them down to sleep for hours.

We had come down to spend Christmas with Dorothy, Peter, Judith and Stephanie. It was the first time we had brought the girls down to Howenstow, and the first time Tommy’s brother, sister and niece would be meeting them. We were staying until the fifth of January, or longer if the winter weather that was promised actually materialised.

I had hardly opened the car door before Dorothy and Judith appeared. I climbed out of the car and was immediately enveloped in a hug from Judith.

“Barbara, it’s so lovely to see you again. How are you?”

“It’s good to see you too Judith. I’m doing fine thank you, although the little ones have yet to find themselves a routine and so sleep deprivation is an issue.”

“You and Tommy will have plenty of time to catch up on sleep while you are here. Grandma and Auntie are looking forward to being as hands on as possible.”

Tommy stepped out of the car, “you might live to regret that statement.”

Dorothy warmly embraced him and then moved to the passenger door, “we won’t. We have been looking forward to spoiling them both rotten.”

“Well, let’s get them inside before they realise it’s dinner time and scare the entire neighbourhood.”

“I’m sure it would take more than two crying babies to disturb the residents of Nanrunnel.”

Tommy raised an eyebrow, “you haven’t heard these two when they get going, we’re looking at having the townhouse soundproofed!”

“They can’t be that loud.”

“Don’t take our word for it, just wait until they wake up and see for yourselves…”

…I passed Barbara her coffee and then sat down next to her, smirking at her amused expression.

“We did try and warn you.”

Peter shook his head, “how can two people so small be so loud?”

“Haven’t you heard of the saying ‘empty vessels make the most noise’?”

“And those little ladies were completely running on empty. I spend most of my days feeling like an all you can eat buffet!”

“Which is why we supplement formula feed so that I can help out. It wouldn’t be fair to leave it all to Barbara.”

“You were just the same when you were a baby Tommy; we used to call you the gannet.”

“The girls are a perfect combination of the two of you, they have your hair Barbara and Tommy’s eyes.”

Barbara froze, her coffee cup halfway to her mouth. I placed my hand on her knee and squeezed it in gentle reassurance, feeling her relax and put her cup down. Her hand was shaking, but I was sure that I was the only one who noticed.

“Yes, I think that they got the best of both of us. They are going to be a couple of heartbreakers when they grow older.”

“If you will excuse me.” Barbara stood and left the room.

“Is Barbara all right Tommy?”

“Yes. I think it is just that sometimes she misses her brother and her parents.”

“We didn’t mean to upset her.”

“I’m sure you haven’t.”

“Go and check on her Tommy, make sure that she is okay.”

“Okay.”

I made my way from the family room to the hallway, and found Barbara standing in the front doorway, her face pressed against the wall. I moved behind her and placed my hands on her shoulders.

“I’m sorry Tommy.”

“What for?”

“I fell apart in there.”

“No, you didn’t. I told them that sometimes you missed your family, and the fact that they would never get to meet our children upsets you.”

“You shouldn’t have to make excuses for me.”

“I didn’t think I was Barbara.”

“Sorry.”

“Please stop saying sorry, you have nothing to apologise for.”

She stepped back so that her body was resting against mine. “This is one of those wobbles that I said might happen.”

“And that’s all it was, a wobble. We will get past it. We have two beautiful daughters Barbara, and we have each other.”

She turned in my embrace, her arms sliding around my neck. “Do you remember the question you asked me way back when we got together?”

I smiled at her, “I think I know what you are hinting at, but why don’t you remind me.”

“There was something about a question, a ring, and sometime in the future a ceremony.”

“Ahhh, that question. I remember it.”

“How would you feel if I was to ask you?”

“Are you going to get down on one knee?”

“If you want me to, I will do anything for you.”

“You don’t need to kneel, all you need to do is ask.”

She stood up on tiptoe, her breath warming my ear.

“Marry me Tommy.”

My hands slid down to her waist, and I pulled her flush against me.

“Yes, a thousand times yes.”

My final yes was swallowed by her passionate kiss. Eventually, we had to break apart for air.

Her voice was husky and very, very sexy. “I haven’t got you a ring.”

“I haven’t got you one either.”

“Perhaps we can go shopping in Nanrunnel tomorrow, I’m sure we have some willing babysitters.”

I ground my pelvis against hers, “I’d like that.”

“Thought you might.” She grinned broadly at me, “we should go back to the family room and share our news.”

“Or we could just go upstairs and celebrate.”

“Hmmm, as tempting as that sounds it would be very rude of us.”

“It would, wouldn’t it. Lead me not into temptation. Oh, who am I kidding? Follow me I know a shortcut!”

I grabbed hold of her hand and together we ran up the stairs to our bedroom.

Half an hour later we reappeared in the family room. Mother got up and came over to Barbara.

“I’m sorry if we upset you.”

“You didn’t, honestly. I just wish my family could have met the girls and vice versa.”

“They would be very proud of you.”

“Thank you Daze, that means a lot.”

“Barbara and I actually have some news for you all, and a favour to ask.” I reached for her hand and laced my fingers through hers. “I asked her to marry me, and she said yes!”

I didn’t get to say anything further as we were crowded by my family as they hugged and congratulated us. When their excitement had ebbed a little I took the chance to ask for the favour.

“Who is up for babysitting for a while tomorrow? Barbara and I want to take a trip into Nanrunnel to look for engagement rings.”

“Oh, that would be lovely.”

“I hope they don’t run you off your feet Daze.”

“I’m sure Judith and Stephanie will help me, and Peter was desperate to be the wayward uncle if you remember.”

“Hmm, I’d forgotten about that.”

“I promise I will only lead them astray in safe ways.”

“I know that Peter. Barbara and I trust you with our daughters one hundred percent. They need a naughty uncle to teach them all the good hiding places, the best trees to climb, and where the chocolate and cake is hidden.”

“And I will take great pleasure in teaching them all of that and how to outsmart their parents as well.”

“They might well outsmart me, but they will never outsmart Barbara, she has far too much experience looking after me and clearing up after me.”

“Careful Barbara, my little brother might take that as a challenge.”

She smiled affectionately at Judith, “he can try, but Tommy is correct with what he says, I know all his tricks and schemes, he can never pull the wool over my eyes…”

…Tommy and I slid back into bed.

“I don’t know about you, but I am absolutely exhausted.”

“I second that.”

“They are only three months old, it is going to get a lot harder isn’t it?”

“We can always get some help, if you would like to.”

“I don’t. As crazy as that sounds, I know that this won’t go on forever. We will never get these moments back, and I don’t want to miss a single one.”

“I understand, and I will be there to do my share. Between us we can do this.”

“And we can also revisit the subject of help at a later date if we want to. I am not saying never, I’m just saying that at this particular moment I don’t think that it is something I want.”

“As I said, I understand Barbara. We take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Lives are fluid, a decision made today can always be revisited further down the line.”

“Except for the one where we get married and bring up our two girls.”

“Oh yeah, except that one, because now I have you I am never letting you go.”

“It’s exactly the same for me. What we have, the life that we are sharing, the family that we are building together, I have been waiting for that for such a long time.”

“I really love you Barbara.”

I rolled on top of Tommy, a saucy smile crossing my face. “That’s very fortunate because I happen to really love you too, and I plan to spend the next hour or so showing you exactly how much.”

“Mmmm, I can hardly wait.”

“I know just how to please you.”

“There is absolutely no doubt about that.”

“And if there is, well I’m about to erase it.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“Is there anything else that you like the sound of?”

“As long as it is you and I involved, I am sure that I will like everything and anything.”

“You sure about that?”

“Positive…”

…We wandered through the quaint streets of Nanrunnel arm in arm, Barbara leaning against me. People acknowledged us as they passed by, and we acknowledged them in return.

“You are happy, aren’t you Barbara?”

“I can’t think of a time when I have been happier. What about you?”

“The same.”

“And I am forgiven for my wobble yesterday?”

“What wobble?”

“I really don’t deserve you.”

“It’s the other way round, I am the one who doesn’t deserve you. But I am going to ignore those feelings. You and I are good together, we always have been, and now we have the girls, I don’t think that life can possibly get any better.”

We came to a stop outside an artisan jeweller. Opening the door, we went inside…

…The girls woke us early on Christmas morning with their normal demands for food. Once they had been fed, changed and dressed we made our way downstairs for the traditional Lynley Christmas breakfast. Barbara had been worried that it would all be multiple sets of cutlery and endless courses involving fruit, pastries, cereals, cooked foods and toast, but I had been able to reassure her that it would be a serve yourself buffet like they had in hotels, and that there would be no standing on ceremony.

An amused smile crossed my face as I watched her eyes light up, a smile that grew even wider as she proceeded to consume nearly twice her own bodyweight in food, much to the surprise of my family, but to their credit they didn’t comment.

Breakfast over, we moved into the family room. We lay the girls on their playmat and then sat on the floor next to them, watching them become enthralled by the lights and decorations on the tree.

“I haven’t had a family Christmas in a very long time, I had almost forgotten what they were like.”

“How have you been spending Christmas Barbara?”

“If I wasn’t working, which I tried to do regularly so that those with families wouldn’t have to, then I would hunker down in my flat and not resurface until I was next on shift.”

“Tommy, why didn’t you invite Barbara down to spend the festive season with us?”

“He did Daze, but I always brushed him off. I didn’t want to intrude on your family.”

“That’s ridiculous Barbara.”

“What is?”

“The fact that you didn’t think we classed you as family, but even worse, the fact that you were on your own. You should have told me the truth.”

“It’s in the past Tommy, don’t argue with Barbara on Christmas Day.”

“Peter’s right little brother, arguing about it now doesn’t change what happened in the past. You two have found each now, and you have two beautiful daughters. What’s done is done.”

I reached across and found Barbara’s hand, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to argue with you, I just hate the fact that you were alone when you didn’t need to be.”

“You know what I am like, what I was like. I wasn’t good company, it was better that I was on my own.”

“Yeah, you could be like a bear with a sore head, but I got used to that, just as you got used to me being a poncy aristocrat.”

“I think Barbara always had your number Tommy. I remember her reaction when I behaved like at complete arse at yours and Helen’s engagement party; Helen wanted the ground to swallow her up but Barbara, Barbara had fire in her eyes.”

“Actually, Barbara wanted to disembowel you and artfully display your entrails on the Howenstow lawns.”

“She did?”

“Yes, she told me not long after we got together. The only reason she didn’t was because she knew that our relationship was salvageable, and she wanted us to have the chance to be proper brothers.”

“Which goes to show that not only did she have your number, she also had the number of each and every member of our family.”

“It was meeting you all that made me realise that I didn’t have the monopoly on dysfunctional families, and I hope you realise that I mean absolutely no offense by that. I just saw that bad things could happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter what your status was, life can screw with you anyhow.”

“That was kind of what I was trying to explain to you when you were feeling so bad about your mum.”

“I got it, I just wasn’t ready to deal with it then. Sorry.”

I leaned over again and captured her lips with mine, kissing her softly.

“As I am forever telling you, you have nothing to apologise to me for.”

“Enough of the maudlin! It’s Christmas Day, and the first one that Olivia and Sophia have had. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I want to spend it eating until I explode and enjoying your company.”

“No change there then my love. It has always amazed me how someone so small can consume so much food.”

She freed her hand and playfully slapped me, “says the man who usually orders sausage and chips with extra chips.”

“Sausage and chips with extra chips? Tommy, I thought you were a fillet steak and a fine Bordeaux kind of guy.”

“Oh no Peter, since I started working with Barbara I have learnt to appreciate a whole range of foods. I am quite partial to a pie and a pint, or a nice juicy burger from a van at the side of the road.”

“He has also developed a taste for takeaway coffee from the roadside vans too.”

“Yes, I have a wide appreciation for food and drink in its many forms.”

“Whereas I still turn my nose up at many of the things he considers edible, I mean sushi? That stuff is so many shades of wrong I can’t begin to comprehend…”

…Lunch had been consumed, presents opened, the girls put down to sleep, and now we were all lounging around the fire, drinks in hand, chatting.

“I think we’re going to have to move into Howenstow permanently Tommy. With the amount of gifts the girls have been fortunate to receive there is going to be little or no room left in the townhouse. The other alternative would be to change your wine cellar into a branch of Hamleys.”

“You both know that you can spend as much time at Howenstow as you want to, I am just the custodian of the house, I can even move out if you would like me to.”

“That’s very kind of you Mother, Barbara and I will definitely spend more time down here, but I don’t know if we would want to live here all year round, that’s something we would have to discuss. That said, if you want to move out I would totally understand. You have given up so much of your life to run the estate while I was serving in the Met, if you want to live your own life somewhere else…”

“What Tommy is trying to say Daze is that you shouldn’t stay here and put your life on hold if there are things that you would rather be doing.”

“I would like to spend more time in London, things are much more accessible there. Ballet, the opera.”

“So why don’t you buy and apartment there. Cornwall isn’t that far, and John Penellin can always contact us by phone if anything comes up that he cannot deal with.”

“Howenstow cannot run on its own.”

“Yes it can Mother. We have good staff, they do most of the heavy lifting. A member of the family can visit Howenstow on a monthly basis, just to go through the books, sort out any problems, and we can all come here for holidays, for Christmas, Easter etc. No one has to live here full time if they don’t want to.”

“But no one has to make a decision now, it is not time sensitive. We can all weigh up the pros and cons and come to a conclusion further down the line. Right now, the only thing we have to do is enjoy the rest of Christmas Day and each other’s company…”

…I wrapped my arms around Barbara and held her close.

“You’ve been quiet since we came to bed; is everything okay?”

“I’ve been doing some thinking.”

“About?”

“About moving to Howenstow full time.”

“You heard what I said to Mother, there is no way that I would make you move down here.”

“What if I wanted to?”

“Would you?”

“It is a wonderful place, and so much safer for the children than London. The only reason I stayed there was because of you, but now we are together, wherever you lead is where I follow. If you would like to live here, well I would come with you.”

“It would be good for Olivia and Sophia. They could play in the grounds, learn to ride, go to the beach and swim in the sea, but you have to be sure that this is what you really want to do.”

“Like you said, we don’t have to make a decision immediately, but it is something that I would like us to discuss, both together and with your family.”

“Then that is what we will do.”

“Thank you for understanding Tommy. I’m sorry if my behaviour is confusing you.”

“It isn’t, and I think I understand why you are thinking about moving down here. After what happened to you in London, you are worried about the girls, aren’t you?”

She nodded, tears filling her eyes. I brushed them away with the pads of my thumbs.

“I worry about them all the time, even though they are only babies. I want them to be safe. You know what it is like, you’ve seen the same things I have through our work, and you know what happened to me, what that bastard did to me. I don’t regret having the girls for one second, but I want to be able to relax and enjoy being a parent.”

“We could swap properties with Mother; she could have the townhouse and we could move into Howenstow.”

“As you said, we need to discuss it with everyone, but without saying why it is that I would feel safer in Cornwall.”

“We have plenty of time Barbara, we can stay here as long as you like.”

“Thank you Tommy, it means a lot to me that you don’t think I’m crazy.”

“I would never think that. You went through sheer hell, whatever you need to do is what we will do…”

…We woke on New Year’s Eve to a blanket of snow covering Howenstow. Or rather, Barbara was woken by the girls for their breakfast, she then woke me to help her, and we sat in the window watching the snow softly fall as we fed them.

“It’s beautiful here, and so quiet. I didn’t think I would ever like the quiet, having lived in London all my life, but it is so calming. I think I like the tranquillity; I just hope that no one else gets murdered while I am here, that’s what normally happens.”

“We’ve been here nearly three weeks and no one has shuffled off their mortal coil, or as far as I am aware anyhow.”

“I think if they have we would be well within our rights to close our eyes, stick our fingers in our ears and shout ‘la la la, I’m not listening’.”

“Is that what you wanted to do when you were being lectured by Webberley?”

“No, I was trying to think of a polite way to say ‘oh do fuck off dear’.”

I spluttered with laughter, trying not to disturb Sophia who I was cradled in my arms. “Just when I think that you can’t possibly surprise me, you go and do it again.”

“It was working with you. You taught me not to show my hand, so rather than tell him straight out that he was a self-aggrandising piece of shit, I tried to find a more delicate and refined way to do it.”

“You do realise that the first word Olivia or Sophia come out with is going to be something, how shall I put this, rather fruity.”

“If you mean they are going to be calling a spade a bloody shovel they yes, you’re right. I really should moderate my language if I am going to be the Countess of Asherton.”

“I love you, just the way you are.”

“Even if I am a gritty and uncouth Acton girl?”

“Especially as you are a gritty and not at all uncouth Acton girl.”

“I tell you what, after these two are settled and we’ve had some breakfast, we should go out and build a snowman.”

“And make snow angels.”

“You’re just a big kid at heart, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“As I’ve said before, don’t ever change…”

…Dorothy was keeping an ear out for the girls while Tommy, Judith, Peter and Stephanie went outside to play in the snow. We had started with a snowman building competition, which had somehow degenerated into an en masse snowball fight. We had no idea who was winning or who was losing; we were all having too much fun to care.

Dorothy stood watching us from the family room window, the smile she was wearing almost splitting her face in two. I understood. It had been a long time since she had seen her family come together without arguing and hatred. I was glad that the girls had done their part in healing old wounds.

Judith and Stephanie surrendered, heading back inside to start preparing hot chocolate drinks to warm us all. Tommy and Peter had dissolved into fits off hysterical laughter as they looked at each other covered in snow, their faces glowing. My heart felt light, something that I hadn’t had a lot of experience in my life. The Lynley family, and especially Lord Asherton, had changed my life for the better.

Stephanie appeared at the door, “hot chocolates are ready, come and get them.”

I glanced over at Tommy and Peter, who were still laughing while trying to brush the snow off themselves.

“Last one inside gets to change Oliva and Sophia’s nappies.”

I was nearly crushed in the stampede…

…I quietly closed the bedroom door and then tiptoed along the landing and down the stairs. Barbara was curled up on the floor in front of the fire, dozing peacefully. I lay down next to her, watching the firelight dance on her skin, completely struck by how beautiful she was. Brushing her hair gently off her forehead, I kissed her and held her close.

“I love you so much Barbara, you and the girls have made my life complete.”

She murmured “love you too Tommy,” and then snuggled closer.

All my life I had been looking for someone who could love me like this, someone who could accept me as I was, who knew I was human and didn’t expect me to be anything else, but I had never thought that it would be Barbara Havers who would turn out to be the person I had been searching for.

Even more surprising, she loved me too.

When we had first met I hadn’t thought that our professional partnership would last ten minutes, let alone over ten years. I was chasing Deborah through Yorkshire, even though she had just married my best friend Simon St James and Barbara was doing battle with a life that was trying to thwart her at each and every turn. We argued, we laughed, we disagreed, and we sulked, but by the end of that first case we had found something that worked for us.

The longer we worked together, the more we bonded. We still argued, in fact we argued as if it were an Olympic sport, but we also looked out for each other. We became each other’s best friend, each other’s confidant, each other’s moral compass, each other’s everything. Even when I married Helen, it was Barbara that I thought about, Barbara that I wanted to see, wanted to talk to.

I treated her so badly. Took my temper out on her, treated her as if she were my flunky, walked all over her when she tried to tell me that I was wrong. I used her just like I had used everyone else who had ever crossed my path, and yet she stuck.

No one had ever put up with me the way Barbara did, the same way that no one had ever cut me down for being an idiot the way she did either. I began to rely on her to tell me when I was wrong and support me when I was right. I was used to people saying yes to me, agreeing with me because of who I was, and how big my bank account was. People liked me for what they could get out of me.

Barbara was nothing like that.

Barbara hated me spending my money on her. I arranged to have her parents’ house painted so that she could sell it and buy a flat in Chalk Farm. I did it because I wanted to make life easy for her, I wanted to help her, but she saw it as me being a dictator, as trying to control her, and she was angry. No one had ever treated me with such fury, and it was a shock, but I began to realise what I had done, I began to see things through her eyes, and I understood.

We had a few more stumbling points along the way of our relationship. She saved my life, nearly at the cost of her career, and then believed that I had betrayed her by having her demoted. She was shocked when she learnt the truth; that Webberley had wanted to dismiss her, but I had managed to persuade him to demote her instead.

Then there was the time that she was shot.

Helen had been shot at, which caused her to run off the road and lose our baby. She had walked out on me but, instead of chasing after her, I stayed to work the case, only to have her shot right in front of me.

I can’t think of a time when I had been more afraid.

Actually, that isn’t true. I can think of a time when I had been more afraid, and that was when she was held hostage by Pat Garrett.

She had been suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. I knew that, and she knew that, but she chose to ignore it, and so I chose to ignore it too. When I found out she was being held by him in the pub, and that he was waving a shotgun in her face, all I could think about was getting to her, being by her side, and making sure that she was okay.

When I finally held her as she broke down in my arms, all I could feel was relief. She was alive, and she was safe.

As I held her, I swore that I would never let anyone or anything ever hurt her again. I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that she would never have to suffer as she had.

The stupid thing was, she did get hurt again, and it was me that hurt her.

I took Helen back.

I could see the pain and disappointment written across her face as I greeted Helen in the square. I could see the tears forming in her eyes as she desperately tried to hide them; making her excuses and walking away before they began to fall. The trouble was, I was so wrapped up in what was expected of me; in what I thought I needed to do in order to make everyone happy, I forgot the promise that I had made that day I had held her in my arms and kissed her hair. 

And then Helen died, and I broke my promise to Barbara all over again.

She tried to be there for me, to look out for me, support me and take care of me, and all I did was once again take my temper out on her and then expect her to be there when my demons came calling and I needed her.

And then I was arrested for murder.

If I were ever in any doubt just how much Barbara cared about me then it was completely erased by the way she protected me after Julia Oborne’s murder. Once again she let me have a safe outlet for my anger, and she never once left me to stew. She trusted me, didn’t doubt that I was telling the truth, and risked her career in order to clear my name.

I didn’t deserve her loyalty and friendship, I also didn’t deserve her love, but as she had chosen to spend her life with me, and as I couldn't imagine my life without her and the girls, I was going to hold their love close, and never take it for granted.

The baby monitor alerted me to the fact that one of the girls had woken up. I gently extricated myself from Barbara’s embrace and headed back up the stairs again…

…I woke as Tommy slipped from my arms in order to go and see to one or both of the girls. I thought about going up and helping him, but stopped when I heard him on the baby monitor.

“Hello little one, what’s the problem? Have you got an empty tummy again or is something else bothering you?”

I smiled at the way he was talking to one of our daughters, amused that he was treating them as if they were able to answer him. He was a good man with a heart full of love.

“Come on then, come to Daddy before you wake your sister up.”

I heard him leave our room and head for the nursery, so I quietly made my way upstairs and stood in the doorway watching him with Sophia.

“Ugh, it’s my least favourite job, a smelly nappy. Thank you so much Sophia, you save all of the nice jobs for me.”

I pushed away from the door frame and entered the room. “I can take over if you want me to.”

Tommy shook his head, “no thank you Mummy. Daddy used to be a detective inspector in a murder investigation squad, I’m sure that he can take care of a dirty nappy, and without a forensic suit.”

“I wasn’t implying that you couldn’t, I was just offering to take the unpleasant job off your hands. If you are happy to do it then please do carry on.”

“Don’t be angry with me Barbara.”

“I’m not. Why on earth would I be angry? I look forward to watching the expressions you contort your face into when you remove a dirty nappy. I’m even thinking of entering you into a gurning championship!”

“Your Mummy is rotten to your Daddy. As if I would pull funny faces, I wouldn’t, would I?”

I whipped out my phone and quietly began to film them. Sure enough, Tommy started as he removed the nappy, cleaned Sophia’s bottom and didn’t stop gurning until the dirty nappy was tied in a bag and disposed of in the bin. Once he, and I, could breathe easily, then the fun began. Tommy had Sophia giggling and wriggling as he blew raspberries on her tummy. Soon however, her eyelids began to droop, so he did up her Babygro and took her back through to her moses basket. Once she was settled, and he checked that Olivia was still content, he quietly closed the door to our bedroom and came back to join me in the nursery.

“Did I pass my nappy changing assessment?”

“I recorded it so that we could review it stage by stage and I could give you comprehensive feedback.”

“Really?”

“No, not really. I mean, yes I did record it, but not to give you feedback, I wanted proof of your facial expressions and also an entry video for the gurning championships.”

“You wouldn’t really enter me into the gurning championships?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I guess I could be persuaded not to send your video in.”

“Oh, and what would it take for you to be persuaded?”

“Well, I could give you a few pointers, but the rest, you’re just going to have to work that out for yourself.”

“A few pointers? Such as?”

I grabbed hold of his t-shirt and tugged him towards me. “This is your first pointer.” I tugged harder, standing on tiptoes and kissing him savagely, “and this is your second.” Leaping into his arms, I wrapped my legs around his waist, “and this is your third, and your final pointer.”

Carrying me across the hall, he lay me down on the spare bed, “I don’t need any more...”

…”Remember we were going to have that long conversation about the possibility of moving our family to Howenstow?”

I nodded.

“Well, I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but I was wondering whether or not you were ready?”

“To move or to have the conversation?”

“Either, or both.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to bring the subject up Barbara, I didn’t want to put any pressure on you either.”

“We’re a right pair, aren’t we?”

“We are. So, you’re bringing the subject up now?”

“I am. Do you think we’ll be able to arrange for the move to happen, and for your mum to move in here, without too many questions being asked that we really don’t want to have to try and find answers to?”

“I think all we need to say is that we have decided that it is time for us to move back to Howenstow and take over the running of it. Mother said that she wanted to move to London, and I think she would be good for her to be somewhere not so remote. She’s getting older, I think she needs to be closer to friends, and to medical facilities, plus she is finding Howenstow too much to handle...”

“But she would never thank us for pointing that out to her. However, if we sell it to her as we want to move there because we feel it would be better for the girls…”

“Then she would think that she was doing us a favour…”

“Which she sort of is, but we wouldn’t have to tell her the exact reason why…”

“I see we are back to ending each other’s sentences again.”

“Did we actually ever really stop?”

“Probably not. So, we are really going to do this?”

“I told you, the girls and I are prepared to follow wherever you go. You want to spend more time at Howenstow, I agree that it would be a much better place to raise the girls that London. Your mum is finding Howenstow too much, she can move into the townhouse, see her friends, go to the ballet, the opera and whatever else she would like to do, and we can get away from what happened to me. So yes, we are really going to do this. I think we should drive down and talk to her face to face. You know how much she loves seeing the girls, and I think it is something we should discuss in person. There is one condition though.”

“I thought that there would be. Come on then, tell me, what is your condition?”

“We have got to modernise that house a bit. It is so dark and depressing. It needs colour, better soft furnishings, we need to turn it into a family home.”

“Is that all?”

“It’s enough.”

“Of course we can change things around. I thought you were going to say we had to buy a replica of your couch.”

“God no! That couch was the best I could afford at the time. I told you when I moved in here, you loved to hate that damn couch, there is no way that I would inflict either it or its offspring on you.”

“Go and call your mum, ask her if it is okay for us to travel down and see her tomorrow. Then you need to call Peter and Judith, tell them what we are thinking, and check that they are okay with it. It is their family home too, they need to know that we will take care of it, and that they will always be welcome.”

“Will do…”

…The children were down for their lunchtime nap, and the grown-ups were sitting around in the family room. We had spoken to Peter and Judith, and had told them what we were planning to suggest to Daze. Both of them thought that it was a good idea, and promised not to say anything to her, agreeing that it was for us to broach the subject with her.

“So, what was it that you two wanted to discuss with me?”

“Mother, do you remember at Christmas we said that Barbara and I would be spending more time at Howenstow, and you said that you would like to spend more time in London?”

“Yes Tommy. Is this what this is about?”

“In a way. Barbara and I have been talking, and we want to move down to Howenstow full time.”

“We think that it would be a wonderful place for the children to grow up. All that fresh air, places to play, horses to ride, it will be great for them.”

“So what we would like to suggest is that we give you the townhouse and we move in here. Obviously you will always be welcome here, and so will Peter, Judith and Stephanie.”

“We don’t want you to feel that we are pushing you into making a decision, so if you would like to live here with us, well that works too.”

“The choice is yours Mother.”

“You really want to move here?”

“We do.”

“And you are happy for me to have the townhouse?”

“Of course we are. Look, we understand that this has come as a huge surprise to you, and we don’t expect you to make a decision immediately, but please, give it some thought.”

“I don’t really need to. I think that what you are suggesting is a wonderful idea. If you are sure, if you are really sure, then my answer is yes.”

“You will obviously be expected to visit us regularly, lots of grandma duties will need to be fulfilled.”

“You won’t be able to keep me away.”

“There is one other thing though Mother, and we hope that you won’t be offended when Barbara and I say this, but we will want to make some changes to Howenstow. We want to modernise the parts that we will be living in, make them more like our home.”

“Of course you should, you should do whatever you need to do to make this house your home. It is not a museum. You are both young, this house needs to have a family in it again. It needs to have children running around.”

“Remind me to put all the antique china at Tommy’s height not mine won’t you Daze.”

“Everything will be fine Barbara, you don’t need to worry…”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This chapter is a little more playful due to Mo having a daily dose of Agravaine - which may sound like a medication but is actually Nat in chainmail, leather and a cloak (just as good as medication when you think about it!)_

…I collapsed onto the overstuffed Chesterfield, heaving a sigh of relief as I did.

“The last box! I was beginning to think we had somehow doubled the amount of stuff we packed.”

Tommy slumped down next to me. “Agreed. I’m sure the boxes bred in the back of that removal lorry.”

“It’s a good job we’ve moved into a bigger place because I’m not sure we’d get it back in the townhouse if we had to.”

“Count your blessings that we didn’t have to assemble our own furniture.”

I shuddered. “There are limits to what even I would go to Ikea for, and this really isn’t an Ikea house.”

“No, it isn’t, but it is definitely homelier now. It feels like somewhere I can build a family with you and our daughters as opposed to some memorial to Lynleys past.”

“And we will only have to use the formal rooms on specific special occasions, the rest of the time we can just shut the doors and forget about them.”

“That sounds incredibly good to me.”

“Did your mum get settled in Belgravia okay?”

“Yes, she is loving it. From what I understand she is going out to the opera tonight with some of her friends, and then for a late supper.”

“Whereas you and I are going to put the girls to bed and then settle down to fish and chips with a couple of beers.”

“Sounds like a perfect night to me.”

“I can’t believe how far we have come. The girls are nearly six months old, we are engaged to be married, we’re living in Howenstow. Webberley would have an absolute fit if he could see us now!”

“I think Hillier probably would too, despite what he said when we first told him about your pregnancy.”

“Well, we really aren’t the people we saw each other marrying, are we? When you were young, and you looked into the future, what did your future wife look like?”

“Barbara.”

“It’s okay Tommy, honestly. If it makes you happier I’ll go first. When I was at school, before Terry died obviously, me and my friends would sit around and discuss what we thought each other’s lives would look like in the future. My friends always thought that I would be married to a mechanic or someone of a similar profession, and that I would be a stay at home mum with three kids quite close in age. We would be, well as happy was possible with three young kids and not a lot of money. So, I’ll ask you again Tommy, when you were young, and you looked into the future, what did your future wife look like?”

“Okay, I’ll play your game. From a young age I was programmed to be the next earl. I was supposed to get a good education, a couple of useless degrees, come back and run the estate with my equally useless wife. She would be from a good family, and we would keep having children until we had produced the obligatory heir and a spare. I would fill my time with estate business, the children would be packed off to boarding schools, and my wife would host charity events, garden parties and open fetes. We wouldn’t be in love, but we would know it was our duty, and we would groom our first-born son to repeat the cycle all over again.”

I reached out and gently squeezed his arm, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

He put his hand on top of mine. “You didn’t. It’s the truth of what my life would have been expected to be. That all changed when my father died. You know what happened after that. I rebelled against everything that my parents had told me that they wanted for me. I joined the police force because I knew it would annoy my mother completely, but it was the best decision I ever made because it brought me you, and I will never, ever regret that.

“You are the wife that I choose. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are the woman that I want to grow old next to. You will never be one to sit back and do nothing, to relinquish the upbringing of our children to nannies and house mothers. You will continue to do what you always have; you will stand by my side, support me in everything, and I will do the same for you.”

“I don’t think that you would ever have been the person you thought you would be before your dad died. You have too much of a conscience, too much of a sense of what is just and what is right for you to have ever ignored it. You have always struck me as the kind of man who must do things; right wrongs, correct injustice, and stand up for the underdog. You would never have just sat back and let life pass you by.”

“You always did see a different me than the one I believed was real.”

“No, I always saw the real you. I just had trouble connecting the person I had heard about through locker room gossip to the person that I was working with.”

“What had you heard about me?”

I laughed, “nothing bad about your sexual prowess, in fact I think a few of your so-called conquests did you a disservice by describing you as spectacular; I would describe your talents in far more glowing terms than that!”

Tommy pulled me onto his lap so that I was straddling him. “While I am thrilled to hear you heap such high praise on me and my genitalia, what I really want to hear about is my work ethic and how that confused you.”

“I’d heard that you were a rich playboy who only joined the force for the opportunity to chase skirt.”

“Barbara! You have been watching far too much Law & Order!”

“Actually, it is Chicago PD, but yes, I probably have. I am telling you the truth though, that’s what people were saying about you. It only took one case with you for me to realise that everything I’d heard was a complete crock of shit. It still took me a while to let my guard down, but I realised that you weren’t playing at the job; you took it as seriously as I did. Anyway, I bet you had heard a lot about me too, and I bet you believed most of it. I don’t blame you for that, ninety-nine point nine percent of it was true, until I was partnered with you.”

“I don’t think you had ever let your guard down with anyone until we were partnered. I think you were too scared to let people see the real you because then it would mean that you would have to admit that you were struggling, that you needed help with your parents, that you were hurting, and that you were lonely.”

“I always thought that people would use how I was feeling against me. I was on my last chance when I was partnered with you, and I was sure that I would lose my temper and blow everything.”

“I wasn’t going to let you do that.”

“Why?”

“Because I saw something in you. I saw a keen mind, a massive heart, and loyalty that I had never experienced before. I wanted to make our partnership work.”

“You told me that you’d had enough of me.”

“I apologise for that, I should have done years ago. I had never worked with someone who challenged me, who questioned my orders, told me that I was wrong. I was confused, but it was the wake-up call that I needed. Working with you changed me, and it was a change that had been a hell of a long time coming.”

“And I should have apologised for being a complete cow. God knows how you managed to put up with me.”

“I told you, I put up with you as you call it because I saw something in you.”

“A cantankerous witch with a battered broom.”

“You do call yourself the most charming of names.”

“You wouldn’t recognise me if I didn’t.”

“No, I probably wouldn’t.” He tugged me closer, “the girls are going to be with Judith for a couple more hours, we’ve got everything unpacked, we’ve already decided that one of us is going to go out for a takeaway later, so why don’t we re-christen our new bed?”

“Or we could just christen our new couch. After all, we went to so much trouble to make sure that we could both sleep on it comfortably, it would be a real shame to waste the opportunity, and the time alone.”

“You really do bring out my wicked side.”

“I don’t think you have needed any encouragement.”

“I guess not, because when I am with you I am free to be who I really am.”

“Oh, do shut up and kiss me.”

“If you insist.”

“I do…”

…Somehow, we had made upstairs, although neither of us could remember quite how we had made it there.

“Do you remember the last words you said to me before we became far more interested in each other?”

“I do.”

“Yes, they were the ones. Well, I was wondering if you had given any more thought as to how and when you might like to say those words in a more formal setting.”

“I have, but it will be your wedding too, so we should make the decision together. It isn’t about just me and what I want.”

“There is that, but there is also the part that your point of view is the most important thing as far as I am concerned. I want you to be happy, not feel that you have to agree to things in order to make me happy.”

“I want whatever you want Tommy. Your last wedding, well, it wasn’t what you wanted really, was it?”

“No, not really. It was what Helen wanted, and I was so desperate to hold onto her, so convinced that I was in love with her, that I agreed to anything. If she had said that we should get married naked on top of a cliff here, then I would have said yes. I’m not going to make that mistake again.”

“Which is exactly why I want you to have a say in things. This wedding, it is about both of us. It is a public-ish declaration and celebration of our love. I want you to be as comfortable with the arrangements as I am. And, just for the record, I am not going anywhere. I’ve waited far too many years for you to notice me as a woman.”

“Oh, I noticed you, I definitely noticed you. I noticed your curves, your beautiful eyes, and your spectacular breasts.”

“They’re spectacular, are they?”

“Most definitely. Even before I admitted to myself that I was in love with you, I used to fantasise about them.”

“Really?”

“Oh yes.”

“Come on Tommy, you can’t just say that and not elaborate.”

“So, you want me to go into full detail?”

Barbara rolled onto her stomach so that she could peer up at me from under her lashes. “I want each and every detail. I want to know everything about your breast fantasy.”

“I don’t have a breast fantasy, I have a your breast fantasy.”

“Semantics. Stop trying to avoid telling me and spill.”

“Yes, I used to do that when I thought about your breasts.”

“Thomas Lynley!”

“Well, you did say that you wanted to know everything.”

“So, my breasts formed part of your wank fantasy?”

“I prefer to think of it as my favourite masturbation fantasy.”

“You say masturbation, I say wank; the outcome is the same for you, isn’t it?”

“How have we gone from planning our wedding to discussing my fantasies?”

“I could give you a recap of our conversation, but that would waste some of the precious alone time that we have before Judith brings the girls home. Stop trying to avoid the question and tell me everything. You never know, full and frank disclosure might result in you obtaining a reward.”

“What sort of reward?”

“You’ll just have to tell me and then you’ll find out.”

“That’s blackmail.”

“It’s actually bribery. Stop being evasive and tell me.”

“You used to wear some very low-cut tops, and I used to find it very difficult to keep my mind on things that it should be on. I also had to fight the overwhelming desire to kiss your chest and bury my face in your cleavage.”

“That’s all?”

“No, I also used to imagine suckling on them while we made love. I used to imagine softly biting down on them, massaging them, feeling their weight in my hands as you writhed against me. They preoccupied my thoughts quite often.”

“Hmmm, it’s a shame that you never decided to watch me shower.”

“You really used to enjoy doing that, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“It was actually very naughty of me to do that, you could have reported me for sexual harassment.”

“As if! Remember Cambridge? That look you gave me when I said I would wait outside while you put some clothes on. God, your eyes, they smoldered so deeply you nearly set my knickers on fire.”

“You did seem embarrassed.”

“It was the way you were so at ease with me being there, I didn’t really give it a second thought when I told you to put some clothes on because it seemed natural for you to shower in front of me, towel yourself off while I was in the next room, and then stand there, the towel slung low on your hips, your skin glistening with droplets of water. I wanted to jump you!”

“I think I would have let you.”

“I still remember when you tried to kiss me.”

“Why did you run away from me?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes.”

“There were a few reasons. I’d heard your reputation. I thought I’d seen you at work with the suspect. I didn’t want to be another notch on your bedpost. I didn’t want to be a conquest. I couldn’t believe that you could ever be really interested in me, and I didn’t want to be another case of ‘every hole’s a goal’.”

“You did the right thing, not letting me. I was used to getting what I wanted, and right then I wanted you. If you had given in, we would never be where we are now. I needed you to refuse me. I needed to get to know you. I needed you to cut me off at the knees when I got too poncy. Meeting with you, working with you, getting to know you and becoming friends with you. I’m not the same man I was then. He embarrasses me, so I am glad you shut him down.”

“I know you’re not the same man, if you were then I wouldn’t be here with you now. I liked him, he wasn’t what I had expected, but I would never have fallen in love with him.”

He picked up his watch and glanced at the time. “Shit! Judith will be pulling up outside any second now. Where did we leave our clothes?”

Laughing, we scrambled out of bed, pulled on our robes, and then ran downstairs, collecting clothes as we went. Fortunately, we were fully clothed by the time Judith arrived back with Olivia and Sophia…

…I woke feeling very nauseous. The feeling was incredibly familiar and not entirely welcome. Trying not to wake Tommy, I slid out of bed and made my way to the en suite, arriving just in time. I fell to my knees and wretched, vomiting until I was sure that there couldn’t possibly be anything left inside me to bring up.

I sat back on my haunches, wiping my mouth on some toilet paper, before flushing and taking the risk to stand and move to the basin to rinse my mouth out with water and mouthwash. 

I was still leaning against the edge of the basin when Tommy appeared.

“Are you okay Barbara?”

I shook my head, “I think we might be adding to our family before we marry.”

His face lit up. “Really?”

This time I nodded.

“How do you feel about this?”

“I feel that you will be doing some serious ginger shopping, and I will be drinking enough water to refloat the Titanic.”

“You poor thing. I’m sorry you are having to go through this again, but I am thrilled that you are pregnant, and I hope you are too.”

“I am. I mean, the morning sickness is definitely not welcome, and I’d much rather I didn’t have to spend the first three months communing with the toilet, but I am thrilled to be pregnant. They are going to be very close together though. Olivia and Sophia are only going to be just over a year old when this one is born, it is going to be all hands to the pump.”

“I will be with you each and every step of the way, just like I was with the girls.”

“It’s going to be hard work, not that you and I have ever been afraid of hard work.”

“We’re not. We will be fine Barbara, we always have been, and we always will be. My family will help, just like they do with the girls, and we still have the option of getting someone in to help if you decide you would like to. Nothing is carved in stone.”

“I need to take a test first, to see it in blue or pink. After that we can see Dr Pennington or your doctor down here, and then we can start thinking about making decisions.”

“I can pick a couple of tests up when I go shopping for all things ginger.”

“That sounds like a plan…”

…Two tests later and it was confirmed; Barbara and I were going to be parents again. I made a call to our doctor in Cornwall and arranged an appointment for us that afternoon.

We were both a little stunned, as we had been using contraception, but we also understood that nothing was a hundred percent effective. 

“Are you still happy Barbara?”

“Of course I am. However unexpected this is, I have absolutely no intention of doing anything other than having this baby.”

“I know that Barbara, I never doubted if for a second. I just wanted to be sure that you were okay. I know that this pregnancy is probably going to bring back a lot of memories for you, and some of them are not going to be easy.”

“I know it will, but I will have you by my side, and the girls to remind me that, no matter how bad things get, the reward at the end makes it all so worth it. This is our child, just like the girls are our children. We can do this Tommy, I know we can.”

“I know it too, but I do have another question for you. Do you want to get married before or after the baby’s born? It’s down to you because I want whatever you want Barbara.”

“Please can we not do this again.”

“Do what?”

“This. You saying that you will do whatever I want. I know that you are trying to be kind, gracious, accommodating and caring, but it feels like you are putting pressure on me to make all the decisions. I know that you love me, but just once it would be nice for you to say, ‘I think this’, or ‘I feel that this would be a good idea’. I know I sound bitter and ungrateful and just as nasty as I was the day you first met me, but I need you to stop worrying about upsetting me. I’m not fragile, not as long as I have you in my life, so please stop treating me as if I am made of glass.”

“I didn’t realise that I was upsetting you, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry. Just promise me that we will do this as a team. It is no different to when we were working together; you would suggest something, I would tell you that you were an idiot, we would row about it and then we would get the job done, together.”

“I have been being a little cautious, haven’t I?”

“Yes, my love, you have. Am I really that scary?”

“No, you’re not. I guess I have been so scared that I would do or say the wrong thing and I would lose you and the children like I lost Helen and the baby.”

“That’s never going to happen. We can have disagreements and not break up. Some of our best ideas have been as a result of us arguing. I have seen the best of you and the worst of you and I am still here. I’m not going anywhere Tommy. I love you, and I love our life together, and as I told you not so long ago, I’ve waited this long for you to notice me, I’m not letting you go now. Anyway, you just want me for my boobs.”

“Well, there is that.”

She slapped me on the chest, “you are such a man Thomas Lynley!”

“I’m glad you noticed.”

She slapped me again. “Oh, I noticed, it was me noticing that got us into this remember.”

“I remember.”

“There is going to be a plus to all of this you know, besides the fact that we are having another child.”

“And what would that be?”

She pointed at her breasts, “these babies are going to get even bigger than they are now.”

I tugged her to me, sliding my arms around her waist, and then buried my face in her cleavage. She laughed heartily as I blew raspberries on her warm skin.

“I am sorry that I upset you Barbara, I promise you that I won’t treat you as if you are made of glass any more, I will treat you exactly as I used to, except there will be lots of worshipping your breasts thrown in to the mix for good measure.”

“There is a condition.”

“A condition? What sort of condition?”

“Don’t look or sound so worried, it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

“Are you going to tell me, or do I have to try and guess?”

“Hmmm, you trying to guess might prove quite interesting.”

I nestled my face in her cleavage again and blew another raspberry, joining her as she dissolved into laughter again.

“I’d much rather play with these than guess.”

“Pffft, as if you need an excuse to do that.”

“You’re right, I don’t, but I’d still rather play with them than try and guess what your condition is, so why don’t you just tell me and then I can get back to other, more pressing matters.”

“My condition, and I’m afraid there is no room for negotiation on this, is that I get to worship your equally spectacular cock. It has to be on an equal basis or else the deal is off.”

“Hmmm, let me see. In order for me to get full and unfettered access to your incredibly spectacular and soon to be spectacularly magnificent breasts, I have to give you the same, in return, to my cock?”

“That’s the gist of it.”

“Do we need to instruct solicitors and have them draw up a legally binding access agreement for your breasts and my cock?”

Now she roared with laughter, “oh dear lord. I supposed next you’ll be saying that we need to arrange a neutral handover location and supervised access at a contact centre.”

“I thought we could meet and do the handover in McDonalds.”

“Jesus! Are you trying to give your mum a heart attack? Eighth Earl of Asherton arrested for gross indecency in fast food restaurant.”

“Sod Mother, I’d like to see Hillier’s face as we are both dragged into the custody suite in handcuffs.”

“He’d look like Phil Mitchell from Eastenders having one of his temper tantrums.”

“What? A small, bright red, over inflated beach ball with steam coming out of its valve?”

“Thank you so much for that mental image! Suddenly I am losing interest in… whoa!”

“You were saying something about losing interest?”

“Not any more…”

…The doctor confirmed what the two pregnancy tests had told us; Tommy and I were going to be parents again.

I was glad that I had told him how I felt about him putting every decision on me, and I was glad that he had understood. Tommy and I had never been the kind of people who held back from an argument, and it had been annoying that he had felt he had to avoid rowing with me. I understood that he didn’t want to upset me after what I had been through, but I needed things to be normal, or as normal as they possibly could be.

We had decided not to tell the rest of the family until after the twelve-week scan, just like we had with the twins. It was easier when we knew that everything was going to be okay.

We had decided to get married before the new baby was born, and we had also agreed that it would be a small and intimate wedding. I had never understood why people needed all the bells, whistles, feathers and frippery. Why tablecloths and chair covers had to match with napkins, runners and wall decorations, and I certainly couldn’t be doing with trying to please hundreds of people who I didn’t particularly give a stuff about at any other time. The only people that mattered were Tommy and I; everyone else could go to hell…

…I was glad that Barbara had felt comfortable enough to tell me that I was driving her insane. She was right, I had been trying not to argue with her because I was worried that it would hurt her. She wasn’t the same person that she had been before her attack, and perhaps she might never be that person again, but if she still wanted us to argue as we had always done, and that was reassuring.

We had also decided that we were going to get married before the new baby was born. We had weighed up the pros and cons, and decided that a nice, small and intimate wedding, for just us, the girls, and a couple of witnesses. We could have a big family party further down the line, if we both wanted to.

The ginger worked its magic and Barbara managed to keep a handle on the sickness. There was the odd day when it got the better of her, but she didn’t struggle with it as much as she had with the twins.

Things were working out for us at Howenstow too. I had never thought that Barbara would be a country girl, but she had bloomed. I suspected that a large part of that was down to the fact that she was away from London and all the memories that lurked around every corner, but I also believed that happiness was playing its role too.

The girls were thriving, and, despite their genetic make-up, they really did look as if they were a combination of Barbara and me. I loved them getting to know their individual personalities and quirks, watching them explore and learn. They may have been identical, but their characters were totally different. Olivia was mischievous whereas Sophia was quiet and more contemplative. Olivia was into anything and everything, Sophia had to be encouraged to try something, but if Olivia did something and came out unscathed then Sophia would normally follow suit, albeit a little later.

Barbara was also taking an interest in the family business, and she was very good at it. The tenant farmers and their families adored her, probably because she was more their kind of person. She knew what it was like to struggle, to have to work hard just to make it, and she could also talk to them on their level. Whereas they were respectful to me because I was their landlord, with her she was someone who wouldn’t blanch at a dirty joke, and could swear like an American trucker. 

Barbara had also been taking the girls to the local mother and baby group, so she had got to know more of the families from Nanrunnel. She really fitted in, and I was thrilled that she felt confident enough to be out there, making friends of her own. I also felt secure to let her, because I knew how much she loved me, and that she would always come home to me.

Our relationship was the polar opposite of the one I had shared with Helen. Helen and I were ill matched, even though we had been best friends for years. I had tried to change that into love, and failed. Helen wasn’t what I wanted in a woman, and she wasn’t what I needed. Barbara was.

There are so many things about Barbara and I that shouldn’t work; and yet they did. We were complete opposites, poles apart in social standing, in education, in everything. When we had first been partnered our differences had grated, well, for Barbara anyhow, but gradually I had worn down her resentment towards me. We had discovered that we actually had more things in common than we had realised; dysfunctional families being one. She stopped being anti my money and my title, and I stopped walking all over her because I thought I knew better.

Barbara had turned out to be the one that I had been looking for my whole life. I could be myself with her, I could relax and know that she wouldn’t turn on me. She was loving, caring, loyal, but she wouldn’t stand for any aggrandising, and would put me in my place with a few choice words.

I always thought that I had to have a wife with breeding. A wife who came from the same background as me, who knew which cutlery to use, who was well-read, knew their operas and which wine went with which dish. That, as Barbara would say, was complete bollocks!..

…Tommy took my hand and smiled at me warmly.

“We’ve finally done it Mrs Lynley.”

I beamed back at him, “That we have.”

“Are you happy?”

“Do bears shit in the woods?”

“Lady Asherton!”

“I hope you don’t expect that just because I am a countess now that I’m going to suddenly become a clone of your mother.”

“God forbid! I love you just the way you are.”

“A little rude, a little crude, and a lot of breasts.”

“Just the way I love you! Talking of breasts.”

“As if you ever talk about anything else when we’re alone!”

“You love it.”

“Yes, I really do. So, talking of breasts what?”

“I was thinking, once the girls are down for their afternoon nap, how about you and I christen our married life?”

“As long as you don’t mind us going face to face or spooning, I am getting a little large to go on top or underneath.”

“Barbara, it has to be good for you as well as for me. If you are more comfortable being supported by the mattress then that is what we will do. That’s one of the things I have always loved about coming together physically with you, whatever the position, it works.”

“Thanks for understanding. I’ve also been having some back pain, so anything that makes things more comfortable is helpful.”

“Have you spoken to the doctor about your backache?”

“I mentioned it at my last midwife appointment, they said it was to be expected. I told them that I didn’t get it nearly as badly when I was expecting the twins, but as each pregnancy is different I suppose I can’t compare.”

“Would you like a massage when we get back? I’m sure the girls can keep themselves occupied in their playpen.”

“Oh, yes please. That would be absolutely divine.”

“I know what else would be divine.”

“You do?”

“Yes, massage oil.”

“What are we hanging around here for then; let’s head for home…”


	11. Chapter 11

…I was woken by Barbara shaking me. I rolled over to face her, only to find her wide eyed with panic.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m bleeding Tommy.”

“Do you want me to call an ambulance or shall I take you in?”

“I want you to take me.”

“I’ll call Nancy and ask her to come and look after the girls.”

“I’m sorry Tommy.”

“Barbara, you have nothing to say sorry for…”

…I was lying on the bed holding Tommy’s hand when the doctor came in to talk to us.

“How are you feeling now Lady Asherton?”

“Scared.”

“I can understand that.”

“What’s happening to Barbara?”

“Lady Asherton has Placenta Previa. As you are thirty-six weeks Lady Asherton, we think the best thing to do is delivery the baby by caesarean section.”

Tommy’s thumb stroked the knuckles of the hand he was holding; it comforted me.

“If you think that’s the best thing to do.”

“We do Lord Asherton. It won’t be an emergency c section, we will schedule it for later on today, and in the meantime, we will monitor Lady Asherton. If anything changes then we can move the c section up to an emergency, but that shouldn’t be necessary. Do you have any questions?”

We both shook our heads.

“Okay, well I will be back to see you later. Try not to worry too much, you are in the right place and we will take very good care of you.”

As the door to my room closed I turned to Tommy, “this wasn’t what we planned, I am so sorry.”

“Hey, I told you not to apologise. This isn’t anyone’s fault.”

“It is, it’s mine, the scar tissue from being shot, and the twins probably weakened it…”

“Stop blaming yourself, please Barbara. This is just one of those things, no one had any control over it. You weren’t to blame for being shot, and the twins mean the world to both of us. Everything is going to be fine.”

“You won’t leave me, will you?”

“I will be by your side every step of the way, I promise you. You and I, we’ve always been a team, supporting each other, backing each other up, and that is never going to change.”

“Thank you, I know I’m being needy.”

“And you have every right to be. You can be scared, needy, tired, angry; you can be whatever you need to be…”

…Barbara was sleeping. The c section, along with the terror of discovering she had been bleeding had completely exhausted her, and once they had brought her back to her room and she had nursed the baby I had told her to sleep.

Once again, I found myself completely in awe of the small yet perfect human being. Barbara and I had a son, a perfectly healthy if one-month early baby boy.

Although she hadn’t said the words out loud, I knew that Barbara had been concerned that once our baby was born I wouldn’t be able to love the twins, or that I wouldn’t love them in the same way. I didn’t know how to reassure her, other than showing her that nothing had changed, so I had to hope that would be enough. Looking at our son, I felt the same love that I had when I had seen them for the first time. I still saw them as my daughters and I always would.

“Are you happy Tommy?”

I turned to face her and grinned, “I’m just thinking what a wonderful family we have. Two gorgeous girls and now a handsome boy. We are really lucky.”

“Do you still want to use the names that we discussed?”

“Daniel Terence Lynley, yes. I think he looks like a Daniel.”

“Have you made any calls to the family yet?”

“No, I haven’t. I know I’m going to have to, but I just want to wait for a while. I’m going to go home and collect the girls, and then bring them in to meet their brother, not that I think they’ll understand, but I want them here; I want all my family together.”

“You’re a good man Thomas Lynley…”

…I had been allowed to come home with Daniel after five days, but I was pretty limited with what I could do until I recovered from the c section. I couldn’t lift the girls, I couldn’t carry anything heavy, I couldn’t drive, and it hurt to move to rapidly. I was washing and airing the wound daily, making sure to keep it clean and not letting it get infected.

Tommy was being wonderful. He had wanted to try and do everything, but we had talked, and I had managed to convince him that, while it was lovely that he wanted to, it wasn’t realistic. I reminded him that we had agreed that we could revisit the idea of getting someone in to help us, and so we had employed a maternity nurse. Nancy had also upped her hours, and between us all we found a routine that worked.

The one thing we had no problem agreeing on was that we didn’t want his family down to help. It wasn’t that we didn’t love them, and we wouldn’t have any problem with them helping once we had things working the way that we wanted them to, but until then we wanted time alone to bond as a family.

I had been concerned that once Tommy had a child of his own he wouldn’t be able to love the girls in the same way, that he would realise that what he felt for them wasn’t as strong as the love he felt for a child that was part of his own genetic make-up. I had been completely wrong. He had proved to me that he loved all his children equally, and he had done that by just loving them. He spent as much time with Olivia and Sophia as he did with Daniel, and he treated them all equally.

We had decided that Daniel would be our last child. After everything that we had been through, our family was now complete. I was glad that I had been able to give him a son, someone to carry on the Lynley and Asherton name, and to carry the mantle of the ninth Earl of Asherton. My age also came into the equation; I didn’t want to risk another pregnancy with the possibility of age-related complications such as Downs. Tommy understood, just as he always did…


	12. Epilogue

…The kids were all in bed, worn out by the excitement of the day. Tommy stoked the fire as I gathered up the discarded wrapping paper and put their presents into neat piles under the tree.

I stood up and stretched my back, and then held out my hand to Tommy. He took it, stood, and led me over to the couch and we snuggled up on it.

“Did you have any trouble getting the kids to settle?”

“No, not when I reminded them that children who don’t brush their teeth and get ready for bed don’t get to go to the panto tomorrow.”

“Ah, a little bit of emotional blackmail. Sorry I couldn’t help you with the bedtime wrangling.”

“Not a problem, how is your mother?”

“Enjoying New York at Christmas with Sir Christopher. She wanted to know if they could stop off here when they return in January.”

“Stop off? I think Heathrow to Belgravia via Howenstow is one hell of a detour. You did tell her that she doesn’t need an excuse to come and see us, none of your family do.”

“I did, but you know what she’s like.”

“Yes, a lot like you, but without the blonde hair and the heels.”

My reply earnt me a playful punch on the arm.

“Feeling wicked tonight my love?”

“When do I not feel wicked? You bring out my playful little inner devil.”

“I’m glad, I like your playful little inner devil a lot.”

“I gathered that from the underwear you bought her for Christmas, and the saucy nightwear, which she will be wearing in a few short hours.”

“And which I will be taking a great pleasure in removing.”

“And I shall enjoy you removing it.”

He tugged me onto his lap, and I nestled against his chest, my head on his shoulder.

“I’ve had a wonderful day today, thank you.”

“You have nothing to thank me for, but I’m glad. It is nice, it being just us in the house for Christmas.”

“Do you remember, back when you were expecting the girls, you asked me what my future wife would be like?”

I nodded.

“Well, when I thought about my future wife, I also imagined this. I imagined a Christmas, where I had everything that we as a family had today. What you and I have, with our wonderful children, that was the fantasy that I never thought I would be lucky enough to experience. That’s why I thanked you, you brought me my dream.”

“It’s the same for me Tommy. All those years ago, when I was attacked, my life imploded and I shattered. The pieces that made me, me, they were scattered by the four winds and I didn’t think I would ever be the same person again. You changed that. You went out of your way to gather all those pieces together and then use them to rebuild me. You gave me the strength to live, the confidence to stand tall and get on with my life, and the love to make me believe that I was worth something. You took on the girls, and you have never once treated them as anything other than yours. You are an amazing man, and I love you completely.”

Tommy pulled me closer, his lips searching for mine. We kissed deeply, shedding our clothes as we rolled from the couch onto the floor in front of the fire. We made love slowly, staring into each other’s eyes, losing ourselves in them, reaffirming our love…

…I tugged the blanket from the back of the armchair and wrapped it around us. Barbara nestled into my embrace, her head on my chest. I held her close and listened to her breathing. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep, but I stayed awake.

I thought about what she had said, how she had claimed that I had been the one who had pieced her back together after her assault. I didn’t think I had done anything, or at least not as much as she had claimed. To hear her say what she had, to credit me with being the person who had given her the strength to rebuild herself and her life, it completely floored me. I hadn’t realised how much she had relied on me, how much my presence had helped her, and I was humbled that she felt I had done so much to help her.

I had never had much faith in myself, but I kept those feelings locked away inside of me. I hadn’t believed that I deserved happiness, or that I would ever find it for myself. I slept with women because I was trying to feel something, trying to feel anything other than the abandonment that had hit me the day I had caught Mother with Trenarrow.

I had felt selfish because Barbara had saved me. Being with her, loving her and being loved by her, it had fixed what had been broken for so long that I never dreamed it would be anything else. She had held me and soothed me, and made me believe that I was loved and could love.

She murmured in her sleep, and so I stroked her hair and kissed it. I knew that we should go to bed in case the children woke up and came downstairs, but I didn’t have the heart to wake her.

We had come so far in a short space of time. Although we had been partners and friends for over fifteen years, our romantic relationship had only been for five of those. We had gone from both being in love with each other but not having the courage to admit it in case the other didn’t feel the same, to having three children and being married. As I had told her, and would keep telling her, I was living the dream that I had always believed was unattainable, and I could never thank her enough for being the one to see the real me and still love me…

…As we left the theatre, Tommy had Daniel on his shoulders, while I held the girls’ hands. All three of the children were hyped up on sugar, as well as being very excited having seen their first ever panto.

I looked across at Tommy and his eyes were shining with happiness. Having normally only attended the theatre for professional productions, except for the Nanrunnel players productions, I hadn’t expected him to feel particularly comfortable with the bunfight that was a pantomime, but he had completely surprised me. He had joined in completely, encouraged the kids, bought them souvenirs, programmes and ice creams, and generally embraced the experience wholeheartedly.

I understood what he meant by finally living the dream. Before Terry died, and before my parents had fallen apart, I had shared the same dream he had. I wanted to marry, I wanted to have children, and I wanted to be completely in love with my partner.

I had seen far too many couples fall apart and divorce, and if I had been married to anyone else other than Tommy then I probably would have been one of the statistics, but as far as I was concerned this marriage was for keeps.

I couldn’t stop laughing as Tommy pretended to be a horse for Daniel, and the girls were soon laughing at them too. We finally had everything that we had always wanted, even though it had taken us a long time to get there, and I wasn’t letting him go.

After strapping the kids in the back of the car, we climbed into the front and waited to join the queue to leave the car park.

“Did you all enjoy yourselves?”

A chorus of young voices replied in unison, “yes thank you Daddy.” 

I turned and smiled at him, “yes thank you Daddy,” I whispered quietly.

His eyes still sparkling he mouthed at me, ‘you’ll keep’, and I mouthed back my reply ‘promises, promises’.

“Come on kids, let’s go home and see what we can find for supper.”

“After all the sugar they have consumed I think it will be something light otherwise you and I will be clearing up sick all night instead of me modelling that rather expensive nightwear that I didn’t get to display for you last night.”

“Promises, promises.”

I reached across, put my hand on his thigh and squeezed it gently. “It’s not a promise, it’s a cast iron guarantee…”

…Barbara came out of the en suite and I let out a wolf whistle at the sight of her.

“What do you think?”

I held out my hand to her, and tugged her down on top of me.

“I think you look absolutely stunning, and I am still going to enjoy disrobing you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes, because however nice you look in that nightwear, I think you look even better naked and sitting on my cock.”

“That’s just so you can watch my breasts, isn’t it?”

“Watch them? I am planning on doing a whole lot more than just watch them.”

“I love you so much Tommy. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell you, it is never going to be enough.”

“I love you so much too. And I feel exactly the same way. I hope you realise how important you and the kids are to me, how much you keep me sane and grounded. I don’t think I would still be here if it weren’t for you and them.”

“You and I, we keep saving each other. That’s the way it’s always been for us, and it is the way it always will be. We need each other the way most people need air and water. We balance each other, and as you said, keep each other sane and grounded. Without you there is no me.”

“And without you there is no me either.”

“Make love to me Tommy.”

“That’s all I have ever wanted to do.”

“That’s all I have ever wanted to do too.”


End file.
